How to Get Along with Anyone, John Eliot and Jim Guinn. Simon & Schuster (ISBN: 9781668033074) 2025.

Summary: An approach to conflict resolution based on the five ways people respond to conflict.

156. The number of hours a salaried employee in the United States spends, on average, engaged in moderate to intense workplace conflict that is reported to adversely impact job performance. That adds up to essentially one month of work per year per person. (p. xiv)

Productivity. Job satisfaction. Employee retention. All of these measures and more are impacted by unresolved workplace conflicts. Conversely, effective conflict resolution affirms the value of people, and results in greater organizational effectiveness.

But the workplace isn’t the only place where effective conflict resolution is needed. Unresolved conflict shreds families, undermines voluntary associations and renders toxic our political processes. Knowing how to get along with anyone is a pretty important skill, yet less than 40 percent of full-time employees receive any form of conflict resolution training.

John Eliot and Jim Guinn have worked with an extensive variety of organizations in conflict resolution training and conflict mediation. This book distills the wisdom they’ve gained from that work and the core of the resources they offer. The key idea of the book is that it is crucial to understand the five ways people respond to conflict, and to base one’s actions in resolving conflict on understanding a person’s pattern of responding to conflict. The first section of the book lays the groundwork of good conflict resolution processes while the second focuses on the five conflict response patterns.

First of all, good conflict resolution begins with identifying the three types or triggers of conflict: task, process, and relational. Each of us are triggered more by one of these. The authors offer a trigger analysis process to understand what is triggering conflict. Second, it is vital to predict behavior by identifying a person’s “Go-To Conflict Personality Style.” Specifically, there are five styles: Avoider, Competitor, Analyzer, Collaborator, and Accommodator. For each, they outline strengths, weaknesses ideal conflict scenarios, main MO’s, nicknames, best and worst teammates. However, no conflict style is necessarily better or worse.

Third, after understanding triggers and conflict styles, is getting to a persons underlying interest. Active listening is critical and they offer specific suggestions how to do this. Fourth, it is often necessary to defuse emotion in conflict situations. The authors describe ways to do this through lowered voices, validation, detours, e-mail drafts, and relationship investment. Finally, the authors tie it all together with Matt Damon’s axiom from Rounders: “The key to the game is playing the man, not the cards.” In conflict, we often try to make better arguments, solve problems, and strategize. Rather than playing these cards, we need to play the player, building rapport, summoning their motivations and using momentum to build wins together.

Then the second section of the book takes a deep dive into each conflict style. The authors offer specific techniques for conflict resolution for each style. Throughout, they illustrate these methods with stories from their consulting work. For example, they describe how a competitor’s ultimatum, walking away from a deal, was turned into a five year fleet purchase agreement. In addition to working with a person’s conflict style, it is important to understand one’s own “go-to.” If you can’t figure this out from the descriptions, you can go to The Conflict Docs website and take an assessment (for $25.00).

In conclusion, I found the book to be very helpful. For example, understanding one’s own triggers and “go to” style seems critical. Likewise, the “play the player” insight, I thought, was gold. I can’t enumerate how many conflicts went sideways in my own life because I was oblivious to this insight. However, I think it can be a challenge to keep all the techniques straight, so keep this book handy.

One concern I have is the risk of using the techniques in this book manipulatively. So much hinges on one’s character, it seems. The authors show they care for people and want individuals and organizations to flourish. But I also have known clever manipulators who negotiate their way through conflict, making others feel good while acting only in their own interests. It’s never a good approach to build long-term relationships where trust is important. But some don’t care about the long term.

However, that doesn’t detract from the value of this book. Few people want to be at odds with each other. Most want to work productively. Learning to resolve conflict strengthens relationships, and enhances productivity and organizational effectiveness. Learning how to get along with anyone is a good thing.

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book for review from the publisher through LibraryThing’s Early Reviewers Program.