
Thriving in a Relationship When You Have a Chronic Illness
Thriving in a Relationship When You Have a Chronic Illness, Lisa Gray, LFMT. New Harbinger Publications (ISBN: 9781648486081) 2025.
Summary: Using ACT therapy, skills to keep relationships strong during chronic illness.
It is probably stating the obvious to say that chronic illness changes one’s life. But what may be less obvious is that chronic illness impacts relationships. Activities once shared in may not be possible, and with that shared dreams. Intimacy may change leading to guilt and frustration. Both the one with the illness and the well partner are affected. In other words, the dynamic of the relationship is altered.
Lisa Gray, LFMT writes this book to address the relational challenges of chronic illness. She believes partners going through chronic illness both pass through, or indeed, cycle through the classic five stages of grief. These are: shock and denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and testing and acceptance. She then uses skills drawn from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to provide tools for working through these stages:
- Present Moment Awareness during shock and denial: staying in the moment rather than “future-tripping.”
- Cognitive Defusion during the anger stage: Stepping aside and observing one’s emotion, helping one decide how one will respond.
- Finding Values during bargaining: Rather than chasing “if onlys,” aligning personal and team values to pursue what’s important.
- Self-as-Context during depression: there is a “you” that isn’t your thoughts and that you do not need to become your thoughts.
- Committed Action and Acceptance during testing and acceptance. You experiment with actions aligning with your values in moving forward and you accept that life has changed while having found new ways to live in relationship.
The book devotes two chapters to each stage. The first explains the stage as it relates to chronic illness. Then it explores how this impacts communication and emotions, shared activity, intimacy and sex, and friends, family and gatekeeping. Finally, the first chapter introduces the ACT skill for that stage. The second chapter goes back through the relational impacts, discussing them for both well and sick partners, interspersed with exercises. Gray uses summaries of key points and reflection questions to bring home key concepts.
Throughout, the tone is non-judgmental. The writer anticipates and discusses all the feelings and thoughts people go through in chronic illness. I thought the skills and exercises very clear and practical. While the book is best worked through together, a partner can work through it alone to work on their response to chronic illness, not their partner’s.
Chronic illness changes life for partners. One of the most critical things for a relationship is constructive communication as couples go through this. While the book is not a substitute for seeing a mental health professional, it can facilitate both understanding and skills that help couples work together through this difficult time in their life together.
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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review through LibraryThing’s Early Reviewers Program.







