Grieving Wholeheartedly

Grieving Wholeheartedly, Audrey Davidheiser. InterVarsity Press (ISBN: 9781514010839) 2025

Summary: Grieving well can lead to healing and hope as we make space for all our grieving parts to express themselves.

This may seem a strange post for Christmas Day. But most, perhaps all of us, will come to a Christmas holiday grieving a loss–a death, a divorce, or job loss or another kind of loss. And for some who are reading, that is where you are right now. Grieving evokes all kinds of thoughts and emotions at various points. Being able to express all of these is part of the process of healing.

But sometimes, we struggle to get it all out. Audrey Davidheiser, a trained counselor in Internal Family Systems (IFS), discovered this with when her father died suddenly. The counseling approach of IFS proved helpful in her own grief process. Basically, IFS recognizes that there are different parts of us, and they respond to grief differently. The purpose of this book is to help the grieving process their grief well through the insights of IFS.

The first part of the book discusses why we cannot avoid grieving and how important is processing our grief. This part also introduces IFS and shows how the idea of our having different “parts” is evident in the Bible.

The second part of the book seemed one of the most important to me. It explores our “protectors.” These parts may try to shield us from griefs. They may come in the form of critics who tell us we shouldn’t be wallowing in these emotions or “firefighters” that try to extinguish our pain. Davidheiser shows how to negotiate with and later, thank, these parts for letting us grieve. Because she writes for a primarily Christian audience, she also identifies “religious” parts that are protectors.

Then part three identifies some of the different grieving parts. These include shock, sorrow, anger, guilt fear, and loneliness/ Not all of these will be present for each person. She devotes a chapter to each and how we may help these parts safely express themselves.

Finally, she addresses the future. First she briefly touches on other parts not mentioned here. Then she explores how we address anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays, the times we often most acutely feel loss. She helps us to know what to expect and how to cope even if we have experienced a healthy grieving process.

Each chapter includes a “Dipping Inside” section in which you can invite different parts to speak and reflect. The author also references her own grieving experience in ways illustrative of different parts.

The one thing I wondered about is whether some people would have difficulties identifying parts, or understanding how protector parts might be hindering the expression of other parts. I would recommend that if you like this idea of parts and the Internal Family Systems approach, but find yourself either at an impasse or experiencing intense feelings you cannot resolve on your own, to seek out a counselor trained in this approach. The IFS Institute provides a directory of certified IFS practitioners. In an emergency in the US, dial 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or 911 for local emergency services.

We all will face grief at some point in our lives, if we haven’t already. Grieving is hard, but avoiding grief is worse. When we process grief well, it’s not that grief goes away, but we grow deeper and our life experience can be richer. Dr. Davidheiser’s approach recognizes the different dimensions or “parts” of grief, all which have their place and need to be honored and given expression. In so doing, we know and care for ourselves more deeply.

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review.