Parenting

Review: Households of Faith

/ rtrube54 / Leave a comment
Cover image of "Households of Faith" by Emily Hunter McGowin

Households of Faith, Emily Hunter McGowin. InterVarsity Press (ISBN: 9781514000069) 2025.

Summary: Instead of blueprints of the biblical family, casts a vision of families as apprentices in love together.

Evangelicalism has given families a great amount of attention in recent years. Much of that has come in the forms of models and blueprints for the “ideal” Christian family. Some of this has outlined very specific role expectations for fathers and husbands, wives and mothers and for children. That is not the approach of this book. Emily Hunter McGowin writes:

“With this book, I hope to speak a word to Christian families of all kinds that is neither a rigid, unattainable ideal nor an uncritical, feel-good placebo. I am not promoting a particular blueprint of family to which all Christians are expected to conform, nor am I trying to obliterate the notion of family as outmoded and useless. Instead, I am seeking a new paradigm for the family within the framework of the church and the kingdom of God, rooted in the Scriptures and the best of the church’s traditions, that I hope will be empowering and encouraging as we learn to live as households of faith today” (p. 10)

McGowin begins with a survey of the material on family in scripture. What she finds in the Old Testament is not a particular form (and often some pretty flawed examples). Rather the function of families is epitomized in Deuteronomy 6:4-9 as places where one learns to wholeheartedly love God by keeping his commands. Similarly, while the New Testament sometimes offers versions of Roman society’s household codes, the real goal is how to live as disciples of Jesus within society’s expectations.

Then she focuses on Jesus. Rather than specify gender roles, he calls people first to follow him. Their loyalty to him may divide families. While not obliterating family ties, Jesus cares for his mother as he dies by entrusting her to the Beloved Disciple. This is something new. He is not a family member! Furthermore, Jesus’ preoccupation was with the kingdom of God. In Jesus, it has already come but is not yet consummated. Churches, as households of God reflect, albeit imperfectly, God’s gracious rule in their life and to the world.

So, what then of our biological families? They exist within this larger family that includes singles, the divorced and widowed as well as families with parents (grandparents?) and children. For all, this experience of “family” is toward the goal of forming people as disciples, what McGowin calls “an apprenticeship of love.” This is true for parents and children. Rather than just making children “launchable,” McGowin argue for the priority of forming them as people who are learning to love like Jesus.

Beyond this ideal picture, what does this look like in a fallen world? The second part of the book addresses that question. She addresses honestly the dysfunctions that inflict wounds upon families, both internal and societal. Then she speaks of the hope for healing within the gospel as sin and trauma are faced. Some of these problems are huge. McGowin offers realistic examples of living as apprentices of love; what one can do as one also lives in the “not yet” of Jesus kingdom.

Not all will marry. McGowin devotes a whole chapter to singleness and marriage. She notes the balanced way scripture handles this that honors singleness within God’s household. Then she turns to the challenges of childrearing. She reminds us that children belong to God and themselves rather than being ours. We raise them within a larger family of disciples joined together in this apprenticeship of love. We wonder whether we can do this. The call, she says is not to perfection but faithfulness. And in this, God meets us.

Patterns of practice may help us. Not as blueprints but as rhythms around which family life moves. In her final section, McGowin addresses three sets of practices helpful in forming apprentices of love in family. One is sabbath, which includes getting enough sleep and play and wonder. The second is living in the reality of our baptism. We care for our bodies and places. Baptism calls us into storytelling and timekeeping. Baptism initiates us into a narrative of life. Finally, eucharist bids us into reconciled relationships around table fellowship. We live eucharist in shared meals as family and in hospitality with others as well as ongoing reconciliation

What I appreciate about this book is that it situates the family within the bigger Jesus story. It’s the story of God’s kingdom, both already present and not yet. Rather than rules, roles, and blueprints, McGowin offers an expansive vision. And yet the core idea is simple to express (if not always to practice). Families together (and the whole household of God) are apprentices of love. Jesus wants to form us as people of steadfast, sacrificial, and holy love and there is no better place to learn it than in the school of family life. McGowin’s honesty and her willingness to share both struggles and practices makes this a rich and accessible resource.

____________________

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review.

Finally, thanks for visiting Bob on Books. People aren’t reading blogs like they used to, so I appreciate that you spent time here. Feel to “look around” – see the tabs at the top of the website, and the right hand column. And use the buttons below to share this post. Blessings! [Adapted from Enough Light, a blog I follow.]

Review: Family Unfriendly

/ rtrube54 / Leave a comment
Cover image of "Family Unfriendly" by Timothy P. Carney

Family Unfriendly, Timothy P. Carney. Harper Collins (ISBN: 9780063236462) 2024.

Summary: We have a culture that devalues children and makes raising them more difficult, contributing to declining birthrates.

Timothy Carney and his wife are anomalies. They are the parents of six children, and part of a community of people with large families. No, I’m not writing about families from the 1950’s. Carney is aware of how he stands out in a society with a birthrate significantly below the replacement rate of 2.1 children per couple. In Family Unfriendly he argues that the big reason is that we have made raising kids much harder than it once was, and consequently are having fewer of them. Paradoxically, mothers and parents are spending more time than ever on parenting activities, even with fewer children. How can this be?

Carney explores a variety of habits of modern helicopter parenting that contribute to this. One is the high ambitions we have for our children in sports and other activities, typified by the travel team. Instead of time to just play, everything is structured. And both parents and kids burn out. We also have created a culture of fear around our children never being out of sight. Remember when kids were told to be home when the streetlights came on? Now such a practice could result in Child Protective Services at your door. Of course, part of the trouble is that many of our neighborhoods are no longer walkable. We have to drive our children everywhere. And our neighborhoods are no longer a village, where all the adults looked out for each others’ kids, and kept them in line if need be. Parents have had to take this on themselves.

Around the time of the Recession of 2008, our birthrates tanked and really haven’t recovered. Personal autonomy as a value contributes as well as the perception that having children is anti-environment. The actual reality is that we can’t afford a baby bust. We have too few people of working age. and our Social Security system faces a crisis of sustainability. Meanwhile, we are in the midst of a sex recession driven by online porn and appified dating. These fail to produce the durable relationships of good marriages.

Carney considers ways government can most profitably help but concludes that culture, more than government programs, is critical. Based on demographics, he took a close look at Israel, where the birthrate hovers around 3 children per couple. The ultra-orthodox have as many as 6 per couple and his conclusion from interviews is, whether religious or secular, child-bearing was mitzvah, a righteous or good thing. He found this equally in the Jewish community in Kemp Mill and a Mormon community in Idaho. It seems that part of it comes down to the idea that you have kids when it is a community norm to have kids, and more kids in communities valuing large families.

Carney faces the reality that any parenting is hard and brings challenges that beginning with cleaning up lots of pee and poop and spit up, and progresses from there. Communities that support parenting without imposing the unreal expectations of helicopter parenting and safetyism makes a difference. Then, parents are not alone. Without proselytizing for a particular faith (he invokes examples of Muslim, Jewish, Mormon, and Catholic communities) he quietly points to the value of children and families and the community forming power religious communities at their best are good at.

While the book is a bit of a ramble at times and Carney loops back to topics he raised earlier, he raises important questions. I think he correctly diagnoses the malady that we are family unfriendly and some of the reasons for that. I think he is also spot on that while government can support a family and child friendly culture, it cannot create one. There are dangers of the Handmaids Tale type in that direction. What I think he offers instead is a kind of “mustard seed conspiracy,” something that starts small but spreads because of its vibrant life. And he makes a quiet and compelling case that this is something healthy religious communities are good at.

Review: Raising Mentally Strong Kids

/ rtrube54 / 1 Comment

Raising Mentally Strong Kids, Daniel G. Amen, MD and Charles Fay, PhD. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale Refresh, 2024.

Summary: Two clinicians, one a neuroscientist and the other a mental heath practitioner, explore how the findings in their two fields may combine to raise mentally healthy, loving, responsible, and resilient children.

Parenting is both a joyful and daunting task. No manuals come with our children. And the urgency seems to never have been greater, with needs for mental health counseling due to anxiety, depression, and behavioral issues rising, as are teen and young adult suicide rates.

This book combines two approaches that together seem to hold a great deal of promise. One approach is the advances in brain science, particularly as imaging helps us look at what is happening in the brain and how things like food, environmental factors, media, and repeated blows to the head affect cognitive processes and brain health. There are things that both harm and help, including parental actions at various points of brain development, particularly since the pre-frontal cortex starts developing before birth and doesn’t finish until about age 25.

The other approach, developed by the Love and Logic Institute teaches parenting with both love and logic. In an early chapter on parenting styles the authors outline how they act in a “love and logic home”:

  • I will treat you with respect so that you know how to treat me.
  • Feel free to do anything you want, as long as it does not cause a problem for anyone else.
  • If you cause a problem, I will ask you to solve it. Please let me know if you need any ideas for doing so.
  • If you can’t solve the problem or choose not to, I will do something.
  • What I will do will depend on the unique person and the unique situation.
  • If you ever believe that something I have done is unfair, please let me know by whispering to me, “I’m not sure that’s fair.”
  • We can schedule a time to talk. What you say may or may not change what I decide to do.

Instead of parents who are helicopter parents, drill sergeants, or uninvolved, they discuss a model of of parents as consultants. These parents cultivate deeply affectionate relationships with each child that communicate empowering messages about what their kids can do and let them do it, allowing affordable mistakes, that if possible, the children solve without parents rescuing or micromanaging.

The first part of the book includes chapters on goal setting, ways to build mental fortitude, loving discipline including the development of self-discipline (one power tip here was that when children misbehave, let them know it is draining your energy and that they will need to do something that will replenish that lost energy–as doing a parent’s chores or forgoing an activity requiring parental time). They help us recognize Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) and how they undermine our mental hygiene and how to counter them. There are a couple long chapters on raising strong and capable kids and helping them develop and maintain healthy bodies. They also include chapters on differing parental styles, helping an underachieving child, dealing with technology, and when things just aren’t working and where to get help.

The second part of the book explores specific parenting challenges from potty training to dating, including helpful sections on bullying and peer pressure. They address healthy parenting during divorce and navigating the role of a step parent. They conclude with two lists: 130 things you can do to help your kids grow up to be mentally strong and twenty things parents of mentally strong kids never do.

One of the things I liked about the book is that I felt treated with the respect and affirmation they suggest we cultivate in our homes. One had the sense that we will all make mistakes at this and that even so, there is hope. We can change and our children can grow more resilient, capable of making their own decisions and solving their own problems. I loved this idea of allowing kids to make affordable mistakes early, being allowed to resolve them as well as understanding the consequences their mistakes have for others, including the parent.

This is one of those books, if purchased during parenting years, that is likely to become worn and dog-eared from being referred to so often. There is so much good, practical information that no one could absorb in just one reading. And as one on the other end of parenting, I recognize both some of the things we got right and some of the things we can agree with our adult son that we just got wrong. It’s never too late for that kind of self- and mutual-understanding–another way we may continue to grow in resilience rather than grow inflexibly older.

____________________

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review.

Review: Christian Parenting

/ rtrube54 / 1 Comment

Christian Parenting: Wisdom and Perspectives from American History, David P. Setran. Grand Rapids: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co., 2022.

Summary: A historical study of Christian parenting beliefs in two eras of American history, the Colonial and Victorian periods.

All conscientious and loving parents have wrestled with the question of how to raise their children. For Christians, there is the added concern of imparting their faith, seeing their children follow Christ, growing up as people characterized by faith, hope, and love.

What David P. Setran offers here is not a handbook but a history of parenting practices among Christians in what became the United States during the first three centuries of our history. Setran divides this history into two periods, the Colonial (1620-1770) and the Victorian (1830-1890), with the intervening years reflecting a transition. And what he finds is a distinctive shift from the former to the latter periods in the parental tasks, the nature of the home, the respective roles and strength of influence of fathers and mothers, and the assumptions about the spiritual nature of children and how, then, they ought to be formed in the faith.

While fathers and mothers both play an important role in both periods, the father’s role stands out in the Colonial period and the home was considered central in the spiritual lives of children. In this period sons often inherited property from fathers, heightening this tie, and much of life, economic and otherwise was centered in the home. Children were understood as unregenerate sinners who needed to be awakened to their own sinfulness and in need of the saving grace of God to impart new life in Christ to them. Thus one of the roles of fathers was evangelist. The home was also a center of worship, with the father as “priest” leading the family in worship. Part of their work was that of intercession for God’s saving work in the lives of their children. The home was also considered the school of faith, with parents instructing their children in both the catechism and the commands of scripture. Literacy was important to catechism and the reading of scripture. The aim of all of this was to provide children with the vocabulary of faith and parents were “prophets,” instructing children in the word of the Lord. Finally, every home was a little kingdom with parents as “kings,” exercising authority over their children, teaching children to honor parents, and exercising discipline in the form of admonition, restraint, and corporal punishment (“the rod”). Yet much of the literature emphasized moderation and not severity in discipline or instruction.

Setran traces a shift occurring from about 1830 on. Mothers play a much more important role as fathers work increasingly takes them out of the home except for Sundays. The home is increasingly seen as a loving and nurturing environment in which children’s faith and character is shaped less by instruction and ritual and more by the loving care and model of parents. There is also a shift from Calvinist belief in depravity to seeing children as malleable, or even as innocents. Instead of stressing the need of conversion, parents influenced the faith and character of children through the environment they created and the model of their own lives, especially early in the child’s life. Reflecting the shift to mothers, much of the literature focused on the mother’s role in Christian nurture. Motherly love was considered an irresistible force while fathers became playmates rather than pedagogues with their children. A critical function of the home was the creation of warm memories. Family worship, “the family altar,” continued to be stressed, less as father-led, and more dialogical. Discipline focused more around the love of parents, with the disobedient child removed from the parental circle through early versions of “time out. The focus on human love ran the danger of elevating it above the love of God and the ideal of home as heaven on earth ran the danger of de-emphasizing the priority of the church, although the church became increasingly the center of catechesis, rather than the home, even as education was being shifted to the schools.

This study offers perspective on how we have gotten to where we are in our Christian parenting practices, particularly the contemporary situation in which so many institutions outside the home are having a more profound influence. While not offering detailed parenting advice, he proposes that there are things that may be drawn from both of the periods, particularly the idea of catechesis and family worship woven into the daily life of families in a warm home environment. Drawing on James K.A. Smith, these “liturgies of the ordinary,” to borrow a phrase from Tish Harrison Warren, can be powerful in forming our children. He argues against an approach that polarizes the two models into either-or in conflict but draws on the best of both.

One question that is noted but not resolved has to do with our assumptions about the spiritual nature of children. Are they unregenerate sinners in need of conversion or malleable creatures or even spiritual innocents? How people answer this has shaped parenting advice and practices. The former view is often portrayed as unloving, harsh, or severe in terms of parenting practices as opposed to the loving home environment associated with the latter. But need it be, and is this even accurate? Setran’s account of the Colonial period refers to warnings about harshness in discipline, or overly taxing approaches to catechesis.

I’m reminded of G.K. Chesterton’s observation that original sin is the one doctrine of the Christian faith empirically verifiable. I’m also reminded that one of the first words children learn is “no.” This inclines me to the Colonial period’s assumptions and suggests that there are some valuable lessons we may learn from them in this work. The shift in assumptions in the Victorian period seems to me linked to Christian Smith’s “moral therapeutic deism” in which Christian faith is reduced to being nice, with God as the friend who is there when I need him and otherwise stays out of the way. While I do not disagree with the author’s conclusion that we draw from the values both periods, I do think the assumptions we make shape how we prioritize those values, and the character of the faith that results.

____________________

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary review copy of this book from the publisher.

Review: Abandoned Faith

/ rtrube54 / 1 Comment

abandoned faith

Abandoned Faith, Alex McFarland and Jason Jimenez. Carol Stream: Tyndale House Publishers, 2017.

Summary: Explores the reasons unprecedented numbers of millenials are leaving the church or are religiously unaffiliated, and what parents and other thoughtful adults can do to address this challenge.

A number of writers have addressed the exodus of young people from churches and the rise of the “nones”–those reporting no religious affiliation or those who say they are “spiritual but not religious.” This is a concern for the parents of these young adults as well as for other church leaders.

Alex McFarland and Jason Jimenez write this book particularly for parents but it is worth the attention of others who lead youth ministries, and indeed for all church leaders, who should take the loss of a generation seriously. The book is one of challenge, realism, and hope.

First the challenge. They begin by talking about what went wrong, and they realize that there are many parents who already own their own contribution to their children’s departure from the faith. They argue that parents should not regret having regrets but to learn from them and allow God to heal. They recount a mother deeply distraught with her daughter, who deeply resented the mother’s over-protectiveness and who needed to hear, “Why won’t you stop trying to fix your daughter and let God fix you.”

The challenge also involves many children who never truly were converted but just socialized into the faith. Many went to church but were not taught well and have neither been helped to wrestle with hard questions, or given the biblical resources to do so. Add to that the experience of hypocrisy in some instances, and more often a disconnect between church and everyday life. Compound this with unfavorable media portrayals of believing people, and you have a recipe for abandoned faith.  They conclude this section by providing some direction for what churches can do, which comes down to relationally focusing on and including millenials and allowing them an active role in the church’s life and mission.

The realism involves understanding both the challenges millenials face and the things they value, the focus of part two. The greatest challenge they acknowledge is the job challenge, which combined with college debt leads to delayed entry into adult life and delayed marriage. At the same time, those who minister with millenials should understand that, among other things, there are eight important values that characterize many millenials: 1. Meaningful work, 2. Collaboration, 3. Staying connected, 4. Social justice, 5. Diversity, 6. Spiritual but not religious, 7. Education, and 8. Skepticism. The authors conclude part two by identifying reasons for hope in what they see and what may be done to develop the leadership potential of millenials.

But what hope is there for parents who feel like they’ve blown it as they watch their children walk away from the faith? Part three focuses on what they believe key, which is strengthening, and in many cases, re-building relationships with one’s children. This means avoiding the things that trigger stress and pursuing practices that encourage them. It means finding that God’s grace is sufficient, owning up to one’s own failures with your children, learning to listen, and learning to set a tone that disarms rather than feeds confrontation. It means helping your young adults embrace responsibility, reject entitlement, take active steps to change situations rather than remain stuck in them and to value learning over entertainment. At the same time, it means working on all this in one’s own life, and doing what one can to heal and strengthen one’s marriage and to renew its spiritual core.

The concluding section goes beyond hope to steps one may take to help millenials return to faith. Prayer is key and they give practical examples of how one may translate prayers in scripture into prayers for millenials. The second part focuses on growing in one’s own literacy in the faith to be able to share it well. One of the things the authors share here and elsewhere is that many millenials may never have truly been converted in the first place and that this comes first in our effort. They include basic outlines of the gospel message and help in leading someone to faith. The book concludes with an appendix of practical steps parents may take when their children fail to “launch” into adulthood on their own. Key is agreeing to a timeline together for them to move out and become self-supporting and to maintain good boundaries while they live with you, which may even include rent!

Overall, I found this book to be on target, and I appreciated the approach of both helping parents acknowledge where they have failed, and to have hope that translates into practical steps of growth in their own lives and parenting first. Likewise, I thought many of the recommendations for relating to millenials to be appropriate, particularly the stress on re-building relationship. Some may balk at “how to’s” that may seem a bit pat, but often when relationships break down, new scripts may help more than vague recommendations. The greatest benefit here, it seems to me, is that the authors help parents move from either hand-wringing despair, or counter-productive encounters to conversations and practices that reflect hope for one’s children, and faith that no situation is too far gone for God to restore.

____________________________

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.

Review: Losing Our Religion

/ rtrube54 / 4 Comments

Losing Our Religion

Losing Our Religion, Christel Manning. New York: New York University Press, 2015.

Summary: Qualitative sociological research on the religious category of “nones” exploring the different types of “nones”, the influences of time and place, and the parenting choices around religion “nones” face in raising their children.

Some observers would argue that the category of “nones” as in “none of the above” in a list of religious categories is the fastest growing group on the religious scene. This work extends the growing body of work on this group in two important ways. One is to more finely define the different types of “nones” that fall under this category. The other, and motivating interest in this research, was to explore how “none” deal with the question of religion and religious identity with their children.

The author, who describes herself as one who was a Spiritual Seeker at the beginning of this study but a Philosophical Secularist by its conclusion, confronted the question of how parents who are “nones” raise their children. To explore this question, she began by exploring the demographics of the “nones”and what they believe. Most significant in these first two chapters is a fourfold classification that brings added clarity to the different kinds of people who fall under this category: Unchurched Believers, who identify with one faith but avoid any institutional connection; Spiritual Seekers, who believe in some form of higher being or spiritual reality, often cobbling together various beliefs into their own personalized worldview; Philosophical Secularists, who subscribe to a material view of life and often are highly motivated by ethical considerations; and Indifferents, for whom religious or ultimate questions are irrelevant to the lives they live.

Time and place are significant factors in “none” experience. Many who were brought up in a religious tradition abandon this during college years for a variety of reasons. The critical question is how these decisions are reconsidered when people marry and begin to have children. Do they return to the religious institutions they grew up in, identify with new communities, or make a more deliberate choice to not raise their children in any of these traditions. Some of this is determined by the kind of “none” one is. In some cases this transition forces a clarification of where one stands, as it did for the author of this study. Likewise, some parts of the country, particularly New England and the Northwest are friendlier to those who are “nones” The South is a more difficult place, as are parts of the Midwest.

In her exploration of the parental choices of “nones,” the issue of choice emerges as quite important to understanding the decisions these parents make about raising their children. Just as they have defined for themselves their worldview, often departing from that of their parents, many also believe it wrong to define these choices for their children. While some, particularly the Unchurched Believers return to institutional expressions of their faith, for many, they choose exposure to multiple religions as well as philosophical secularism and allowing children to choose their own path. She also addresses the question of the often touted benefits of raising children religiously, demonstrated signally in the work of sociologist Christian Smith. She argues that the comparisons are often between more and less religious youth and do not considered those brought up in principled secularist backgrounds.

At this point she reveals her anti-religious bias. Generally, I appreciated her openness about her own point of view rather than a pretended neutrality. But here, it seems she sets up the worst examples of religion, and particularly Christianity, against the most commendable examples of secularism and atheism. Anyone can play that game. I could argue that Christians built hospitals, cathedrals and universities, while atheist Marxists built Gulags, colorless tenements, and brutally genocidal cultural revolutions. I think this mars otherwise fine work and indulges in the anti-religious caricatures common among academic elites. But I get that some people really experience these things and don’t want to believe in such a god or practice such a religion. I would not and do not either!

What is valuable in the work is something I’ve long contended, that we should assume at least the same level of thoughtfulness in those of different religious persuasions than ours. This is equally so with “nones” and this extends to the thoughtfulness of their parenting choices. I do wonder if “nones” just as much as the affiliated religious subtly encourage, or at least model the choices they have made, even while upholding choice. I wonder how “nones” would feel if their children embrace a strong religious affiliation, such as fundamental forms of Islam or Christianity or Orthodox Judaism. Time will tell whether, in fact, the religiously affiliated and “none” parents in fact have more in common than they might admit. That could make for interesting conversation!

________________________________

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher via Netgalley. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”