The Joy of Solitude

The Joy of Solitude, Robert J. Coplan. Simon & Schuster (ISBN: 9781668053423) 2025.

Summary: A study of the complexities of solitude and how it can enrich our lives and relationships.

I’ve read a number of books discussing solitude from a spiritual perspective. But this is the first from a secular perspective. Robert J. Coplan is a psychologist who has been studying solitude for thirty years. It all began when he was observing children at play and the different ways they reacted to playing alone. He was curious why some were content to do so, while welcoming others to join them but others were more uneasy about this.

That’s an example of how solitude can mean different things for different people. And it’s not always something we like. In one experiment students were asked to spend fifteen minutes alone in a room. They also had the option to self-administer painful electric shocks. For the majority, sitting alone with one’s thoughts was more aversive than the electric shocks!

But what is solitude? Is it physical separation from others? Does this include animals? Can one experience solitude on a crowded commuter train? Or walking through an art gallery? Turns out all of those can be forms of solitude, So why does solitude get a bad rap? Often, it is because it is rightly believed that it is good for us to be with others and not alone. And extended solitude, especially in childhood can be bad for social development. Forced solitude from ostracism or isolation, leading to loneliness has all kinds of negative impacts. We don’t want that!

But there are times we do want to be away from people. And it seems the key difference between good and bad solitude is in whether we want it. Solitude offers a sense of freedom. Research has also shown that time in natural environments makes us feel calmer, happier, less anxious. A key element is the deactivation of emotions and the fostering of attention. Perhaps that’s why solitude has benefits of both creativity and connectedness. Not only that, there is a “goldilocks factor.” We each have a “just right.”

There is a balance between solitude and socializing, unique for each of us. But the quality of both is important. Alone time just spent ruminating as opposed to engaging in activities like hobbies, reading, or being outside. Temperament also matters. Introverts welcome solitude to a greater degree but introversion is about more than solitude. On the other hand, introverts also under-estimate how short social interactions can positively affect them.

Coplan then gets into how we can do solitude better. Our attitude is important. Those who understand the benefits have a more positive experience. Sometimes, it even helps to “fake it until you make it.” He encourages a journal to track our time to notice what is most helpful. There is no one right way. Like exercising, starting with small doses and building up can help. Even just fifteen minutes can make a difference in our sense of well-being. And avoid ruminating!

He also explores how solitude helps creativity by letting our minds wander. When working on a problem, taking a break and switching helps incubate new ideas. Solitude also allows us to achieve a state of “flow.” Like many others, he advocates solitude from our devices. He invites us to cultivate “JOMO,” the Joy Of Missing Out. At least we should turn off notifications, and avoid scrolling through newsfeeds.

He offers advice on solitude and children. For younger children building solitude muscles by choosing how they’ll spend time alone (but not on screens) can benefit them. Older children, on the other hand, may have so many schedule demands that they need help carving out alone time. And parents also need alone time (and can model this!). And alone time can enhance time together, including for couples.

I found the discussion distinguishing good and bad solitude and the diverse activities that one may pursue in solitude to be helpful. There were so many helpful, practical ideas for finding the right mix of solitude and socializing for each person with lots of permission to experiment. I loved the suggestions for creativity.

I mentioned the practice of solitude as a spiritual practice. While the book takes a secular, mental health approach to this, I think a non-sectarian discussion of solitude and spirituality might have enriched this book, since this is a place where many are introduced to solitude, often with helpful direction.

That said, this is a helpful introduction to the benefits of solitude, and the opportunity to become one’s own best friend.

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review.