Self-care

Review: The Love Habit

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Cover image of "The Love Habit" by Rainie Howard

The Love Habit, Rainie Howard. Broadleaf Books (ISBN: 9781506496740) 2024.

Summary: Learning to manage emotions, expectations, and relationships through daily habits enabling becoming the love one desires.

Rainie Howard believes good people can learn to become addicted to unsatisfying lives. As a result, they approach life from a victim mindset that attributes both happiness and lack of fulfillment to outside circumstances. In this book, she argues that one can transform from a victim to a “victorious creator” through developing a new set of habits, centering around the love habit technique. Specifically, LOVE is an acronym Howard uses that may be applied in a number of contexts:

  • L-Learn. Listen to and learn from oneself about goals, feelings, passions, hurts in a particular context.
  • O-Optimize. What results from my habitual response and what responses can I develop to care for myself and relate in healthy ways?
  • V-Validate yourself. What can you affirm about your strengths, gifts, and actions?
  • E-Experience. What does it feel like to be the person you desire to be in this situation?

She develops these ideas in three parts, the first of which is “Reinventing Yourself.” So often, nice people are mistreated. However, Howard maintains we allow this mistreatment, and teach people to treat us that way subconsciously. She discusses different personality expressions of this behavior. Reinventing ourselves involves letting go of our worries about others and how they think of us, which we cannot change. Rather, we accept responsibility for our own lives, evaluate how we want to be treated, set boundaries that reflect how we want to be treated, and write out a vision for how we want to experience our lives and relationships. This last includes a set of self-affirmations to use every day. Howard then deals realistically with the reality that this new self may not always fit in with our old friends.

The second part focuses on habit techniques to form a healthy self image. She emphasizes confident habits that build belief in and trust of oneself. These include trusting oneself, knowing and understanding oneself, allowing yourself to try new things, taking actions to support goals, becoming comfortable with being different, and surrounding oneself with positive people. She then applies these ideas in the areas of romantic relationships and one’s work context.

Part three focuses on discernment. Negatively, she discusses identifying deception and manipulation. I thought the principle of looking at patterns especially helpful. If a person mistreats others, it’s very likely they will mistreat you! Positively, she encourages intentionality, vision, confidence, seeking support and self-awareness. She coaches readers in becoming more influential through preparing one’s mind, nowing oneself, speaking one’s truth, and focusing on one’s strengths. She offers insights on using one’s intuitions. Finally, she concludes with a chapter on connection, including some wonderful insights from how she and her husband have grown in their love.

This is an excellent example of the genre of self-help books emphasizing the idea of “change your thinking, change your life.” Howard offers an abundance of practical insights into self-defeating behaviors, setting boundaries in relations, and discerning toxic people. And she recognizes the power of habit and how the exchange of good habits for bad is part of personal change.

However, as I read, it occurred to me that I was reading an outstanding example of moralistic therapeutic deism, which sociologist Christian Smith observed in a study of the beliefs of American youth. Yes, there is a God, but we change through our own thinking and moral efforts. God is a therapist who affirms our intuitions. I think the book offers a shadow of the substance of good Christian teaching on the transformative work of God through his grace in Christ. Through that grace we are reconciled to God and other. Our minds are renewed and God’s Spirit progressively bears his fruit in our character. Thus, he enables us to truthfully love others. And we approach work and all of life as calling.

What surprises me is that a Lutheran publishing house is the publisher of this work. The gospel of self-help seems the antithesis of the gospel of grace through faith. Self reinvention seems a far cry from salvation by grace alone through faith. But this seems a sad commentary on the dearth of good and compelling Christian instruction. Rainie Howard is right about malformed identities. She rightly recognizes the harms fallen people can inflict. Moreover, she recognizes our human dignity. But she grounds this in self rather than in being the redeemed image bearers of God. Her book is good as far as it goes. But where are those who speak with her practicality about the renewed self, renewed relationships, and renewed work in Christ?

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review.

Review: A Simply Healthy Life

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Cover image of "A Simply Healthy Life" by Caroline Fausel

A Simply Healthy Life, Caroline Fausel. Tyndale Refresh (ISBN: 9781496486905) 2025.

Summary: A guide to health focusing on our bodies, our homes, our relationships, and our spirituality.

Caroline Fausel was often sick as a child. As an adult, she figured out that food, for her, had been a big part of the problem, and could be the cure as well. This led to her becoming a certified health and wellness coach. One of her core convictions is that health begins with intentional choices. Either we choose or life chooses for us. Also, health is holistic, how we care for our bodies, our environment, beginning with our homes, our relationships, and our faith our spirituality. This book collects and distills the information and experiences collected from her coaching work.

Before getting into the four areas of health, she begins with a chapter on the power of habit. She offers tips for forming habits including starting small, and one thing I’ve not heard of before, habit-stacking, in which we add a habit to one already established, like focusing on something for which we are grateful whenever we wash our hands. She also addresses bad habits, inviting us to consider how we feel when we engage in a negative behavior and identifying a positive behavior to swap in when we feel that way. Gradually, as we cultivate good habits and stack them upon each other, Fausel suggests we might frame these as a “rule of life,” one of the most constructive ways I’ve seen for developing a rule.

She then turns to care for our bodies. Fausel looks at what makes food healthy or unhealthy. She is realistic in recognizing that we cannot easily eliminate all unhealthy foods and suggests thinking in terms of “all the time” and “sometimes” foods. In general, the less processing and additives the better, and she gives a number of specific suggestions (as well as recipes in the back!). One suggestion I would question is her commendation of raw milk, given the current bird flu epidemic and the health risks associated with raw milk consumption. However, this chapter is chock full of good ideas, particularly in reducing the amount of sugars and additives in our diets.

She moves on to exercise, making suggestions for the important triad of cardio, strength training, and stretching. And moving hard, as she puts it, helps us sleep hard. She offers helpful suggestions for sleep hygiene. Finally, in a chapter on optimal functioning, she addresses hydration, skin care, and our need for fiber. Hydration, fiber, and even sweating are important components of our body’s detoxification systems.

Fausel also believes our environment is important to health. She addresses the indoor air quality in our homes and how cleaners, VOCs, and plastics affect us, and suggests safe cleaning practices. Fausel also believes healthy homes are uncluttered and she offers helps for purging, room by room. Not only this, but she addresses the root of clutter in our consumerism and commends generosity as an alternative. Finally, she addresses the environmental implications of our home lives–transportation, the products we buy, and our energy use, and even composting as a way to lower our carbon footprint.

Our emotional and relational health is another piece of a healthy life. Fausel begins with practices for cultivating mental resilience and reducing stress. Good emotional health is also tied to good friendships. The author offers tips for building and prioritizing friendships as well as for knowing when to end a friendship. Lastly, in this section, is a discussion of building harmonious family relationships, including the time of intentional time together as a whole family, and with each child.

The last section of the book concerns healthy spirituality. While Fausel is openly Christiian, the material on sabbath and finding your purpose is widely applicable. She encourages the practice of setting aside one 24 hour period a week to rest and stop working and offers suggestions for how this can be a lifegiving practice. Finally, citing longevity studies, she advocates for having a clear sense of one’s purpose. She suggests journaling several questions:

  • What do you love?
  • What did you enjoy as a child?
  • What makes you angry about the world?
  • What are you good at?
  • What are the pain points in your life?

The challenge of this book is that it offers so many ideas about healthy living. But the author helps us in several ways. Each chapter concludes with three levels of challenges: beginner, intermediate, and advanced. The foundation of habits and starting small is important. The author helps us take “baby steps” to a healthier life while offering us the big picture. This is a book to be lived with. With the turn of the year, this might be a good resource to acquire to sustain healthy living in 2025.

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review.

Review: Social Justice for the Sensitive Soul

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Social Justice for the Sensitive Soul, Dorcas Cheng-Tozun. Minneapolis: Broadleaf Books, 2023.

Summary: How highly sensitive persons can also contribute to social justice efforts in ways consonant with their personalities.

Susan Cain began an important conversation with her book Quiet (review) about the distinctive contributions to the world that introverts can make. This book goes further, considering a related personality, the highly sensitive person (HSP) characterized by their depth of processing, by being more quickly overstimulated, by their emotional sensitivity, and their ability to sense the subtle. The world of social justice activism often seems like the last place for such persons because of its confrontative nature and the wrenching realities of injustice. Burnout can occur with the most resilient and especially among HSPs like the author, as she discovered in her own social justice efforts.

This led to a journey of discovering the unique ways highly sensitive people can contribute to social justice efforts, not as warrior kings but as priestly advisers. She contends that Mahatma Gandhi, Abraham Lincoln, and Martin Luther King, Jr. are examples of people with this personality who made a difference. The key, she believes, is self-understanding combined with an expanded awareness of the ways people may contribute to social justice efforts beyond standing at the barricades with a megaphone.

The first part of her book explores more of what it is like to be a sensitive person and the unique gifts of conscientiousness and care for others coupled with deep empathy. Priestly advisers “observe, listen, consider, gather, plan, and generate.” Their thoughtfulness often leads to the recognition of the pathways to achieve social justice aims and not simply protest injustices. This requires shedding the “activist ideal” to practice the self-care that enables the sensitive person to keep showing up. They develop a resilience rooted not in bouncing back quickly but in holding onto one’s identity and purpose. As they understand their own value, they also learn to value the complementary strengths of less-sensitive collaborators.

The second part of the work focuses on considerations and questions, the most important of which is to listen to our lives, what we are learning from our experiences about what we do well, what we care deeply about, and how we can live and work sustainably. Cheng-Tozun then explores several kinds of questions we might consider: the what questions, the who questions, the when (in terms of life situation) questions, and the where questions. In each, she offers a number of very specific questions for consideration.

Finally, in part three, she describes some of the vital roles in social justice movements in which sensitive persons can make singular contributions. She discusses:

  • Connectors: those able to forge vibrant relationships and alliances based on deep empathy and trust.
  • Creatives: the use of various artistic abilities to capture the imagination of people for social change.
  • Record Keepers: the archivists and those who document injustices, making the pleas for justice harder to ignore in the face of evidence.
  • Builders: these include the designers, inventors, and engineers and others who can leverage technology in ways that serve the most needy.
  • Equippers; the trainers, mentors, coaches, and teachers who prepare skilled advocates, as was the case with the Highlander School which equipped Rosa Parks and many others for social justice work.
  • Researchers: the academic researchers who pursue socially relevant research on everything from gun violence to environmental justice.

In her conclusion, Cheng-Tozun speaks of the power of hopeful sensitives, those who understand where their gifts and the world’s needs meet. She writes:

“This hope is not abstract and aimless; rather, it is measured and thoughtful, compassionate and directed. Hopeful sensitives have the tools and the energy to create specific, implementable plans and visions for themselves and for the greater good of their communities. They will always keep human beings at the core of their actions and choices” (p. 190).

What is powerful about this book is Cheng-Tozun’s quiet yet clear voice offering the vision that social justice work requires all kinds of people and sensitive persons need not be marginalized or marginalize themselves. She gives permission for sensitive persons to be who they are, to care not only about injustices but for themselves, recognizing that such a gift results in the release of compassion, creativity, insight, and innovation. The questions she asks to help with self-understanding and the examples of the ways sensitive people contribute argues for getting this book and putting it alongside your copy of Quiet, as its constructive sequel.

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary review copy of this book from the publisher through LibraryThing’s Early Reviewer Program.

Review: Be Kind to Yourself

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Be Kind to Yourself, Cindy Bunch (Foreword by Ruth Haley Barton). Downers Grove: IVP Formatio, 2020.

Summary: A little handbook of ideas and practices to help us exercise kindness toward ourselves by releasing what bugs us and embracing joy.

How often have you heard, “I’m my own worst critic.” Life is challenging. Sometimes we make it worse as we berate ourselves (and others) and rob ourselves of joy. Cindy Bunch, an editor who has worked on many spiritual formation books has written one that gets very real about the hard stuff (like a divorce) and proposes that we might do well to learn to exercise kindness toward ourselves, even as God has.

The book is organized around three ten-day examen guides, and within each ten days, four ways of showing kindness. The examen is one of the simplest and most straightforward I’ve seen. It consists of two questions:

  1. What’s bugging you?
  2. What’s bringing you joy?

Acknowledging and letting go of the things that bug us positions us to embrace the moments of joy in our lives and enlarge them.

Each of the chapters on ways to be kind to ourselves start with the author’s own answers to the examen questions and then offers some personal reflections and two or three sidebars with practical suggestions. For example the chapter on “I saw it on Twitter,” subtitled “Knowing What to Let Go” reflects on social media and email, and how we may redemptively use these tools. She begins by commending the use of the serenity prayer (“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”), and then offers sidebars on email management and a social media fast and reset.

There are chapters on paying attention to beautiful things, speaking kindly to ourselves, creating new mental playlists, self-care practices, and even a chapter on the Enneagram. As a bibliophile, I loved the material on reading, but was also challenged by the practice of slow reading, as one who tends to read fast. I was also intrigued by the idea of reading retreats. I even posted a “question of the day” about reading retreats on my Facebook page, and I think I had a bunch of people ready to sign up–particularly if the retreats included wine!

This book comes out during a stressful season which makes it all the more timely. I know of organizations providing distress days and making accommodations for the extra stresses on their workers. We may be tempted to beat up on ourselves because we don’t feel nearly as productive, or sharp, or as composed as we feel we ought to be. I think Cindy Bunch would want us to see that that’s OK. It’s a good time to rediscover what it means to be kind to ourselves. And it’s a good time to buy this book!

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary review copy of this book from the publisher. The opinions I have expressed are my own.

Review: Resilient Ministry: What Pastors Told Us About Surviving and Thriving

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Resilient Ministry: What Pastors Told Us About Surviving and Thriving
Resilient Ministry: What Pastors Told Us About Surviving and Thriving by Bob Burns
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I’ve watched pastors burn out and drop out. While it is a privilege to shepherd God’s people, it is also just plain hard and demanding work. You don’t do pastoral work, you are a pastor. In some sense, you are always on. The project of this book is to explore what is necessary for pastors to burn on, not burn out. And it is pastors in fact who developed the content of this book as part of a Lilly research project in which pastors were gathered in Summits that explored the keys to sustaining pastoral excellence. Out of these summits five key factors emerged:

1. Spiritual formation: resisting the temptation of workaholism by building rituals, maintaining accountability, growing through hardship, and practicing spiritual disciplines.

2. Self-care: resisting the pressures of work and fostering spiritual growth, emotional self-awareness, relational depth (particularly helpful here was identifying who can pastors share with), and intellectual and physical self-care. Self-care, the authors point out can actually be self-denial as one refuses to heed the siren calls of ministry to tend to the self in a way where you are able to bring the best to those you serve.

3. Emotional and cultural intelligence. Does one understand one’s own emotions and is one aware of the emotions others are manifesting? Likewise, they explore how we all work out of a cultural context and a growing awareness of both one’s own cultural identity and the cultural differences we encounter among those we minister is critical to ministry success in a culturally diverse world.

4. Healthy marriage and family life. Normal life stresses marriages. The ministry lifestyle means one may never feel off the clock and spouse and children get the leftovers or are often the dumping ground for pressures of ministry. Sometimes this may lead to conflicting loyalties or even abandonment of one’s family to ministry. There is the question of who ministers to the spouse. There were a number of practical recommendations in this section ranging from setting aside intentional time together and pursuing shared hobbies to annual marriage “check-ups” with a therapist.

5. Leadership and Management. The authors described leadership as “poetry”, that which captures the imaginations and has systems in place to channel the energies of people. Administration is “plumbing”–modeling, shepherding, managing expectations, supervising conflict, and planning.

The book concludes that it isn’t enough to have summits that recognize these themes or even to make resolves to change. Negotiating these changes with spouses and church leadership and finding continuing support from cohort participants is necessary to consolidate these insights. It seems to me that this may be the most critical insight in terms of pastoral transformation in the whole book.

The book includes appendices with various tools, the most helpful of which may be the emotions checklist, which helps one give a name to the emotions one feels (especially helpful for men). I would recommend this book as a resource to pastors, others in ministry, and to church or ministry leadership, who need to understand the stressors and key factors to pastoral success in order to support their pastors.

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Review: The Life of the Body: Physical Well-Being and Spiritual Formation

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The Life of the Body: Physical Well-Being and Spiritual Formation
The Life of the Body: Physical Well-Being and Spiritual Formation by Valerie E. Hess
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Valerie Hess and Lane Arnold address an important and oft not addressed subject–how our bodily life relates to our spiritual formation. The authors explore Christ’s embodied life, how our physical presence and health affects the body of Christ, and how our self-care affects our spiritual growth. There is helpful material on rest, body-image, exercise, and most of all, our diets. Much of the book seemed focused on this and encouraged diets rich in unprocessed foods, those purchased from the perimeter of most grocery stores. There are also chapters on our seasons of life and bodily changes and how our own choices contribute (or not) to the health of our physical world.

Recently I reviewed Rachel Marie Stone’s Eat With Joy. Although Stone’s book did not explore the spiritual formation dimensions of food, I found hers a much better book on the spirituality of food because of her infectious joy. By contrast, while the authors of this book have many good ideas (many of which are similar in content)the book lacked for me the infectious joy that made me want to try these in my own life–it felt more like “you should do these things because they are good for you and position you to love God better.” While I found myself helpfully challenged at various points by this book, I found myself excited about trying the ideas (and even recipes) in the other.

Each chapter concludes with several practical exercises and there is also a guide for small groups in the end. One of the most interesting parts of the book for me was an appendix on “The Bible and the Body.”

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