Solitude

Review: The Joy of Solitude

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Cover image of "The Joy of Solitude" by Robert J. Coplan

The Joy of Solitude

The Joy of Solitude, Robert J. Coplan. Simon & Schuster (ISBN: 9781668053423) 2025.

Summary: A study of the complexities of solitude and how it can enrich our lives and relationships.

I’ve read a number of books discussing solitude from a spiritual perspective. But this is the first from a secular perspective. Robert J. Coplan is a psychologist who has been studying solitude for thirty years. It all began when he was observing children at play and the different ways they reacted to playing alone. He was curious why some were content to do so, while welcoming others to join them but others were more uneasy about this.

That’s an example of how solitude can mean different things for different people. And it’s not always something we like. In one experiment students were asked to spend fifteen minutes alone in a room. They also had the option to self-administer painful electric shocks. For the majority, sitting alone with one’s thoughts was more aversive than the electric shocks!

But what is solitude? Is it physical separation from others? Does this include animals? Can one experience solitude on a crowded commuter train? Or walking through an art gallery? Turns out all of those can be forms of solitude, So why does solitude get a bad rap? Often, it is because it is rightly believed that it is good for us to be with others and not alone. And extended solitude, especially in childhood can be bad for social development. Forced solitude from ostracism or isolation, leading to loneliness has all kinds of negative impacts. We don’t want that!

But there are times we do want to be away from people. And it seems the key difference between good and bad solitude is in whether we want it. Solitude offers a sense of freedom. Research has also shown that time in natural environments makes us feel calmer, happier, less anxious. A key element is the deactivation of emotions and the fostering of attention. Perhaps that’s why solitude has benefits of both creativity and connectedness. Not only that, there is a “goldilocks factor.” We each have a “just right.”

There is a balance between solitude and socializing, unique for each of us. But the quality of both is important. Alone time just spent ruminating as opposed to engaging in activities like hobbies, reading, or being outside. Temperament also matters. Introverts welcome solitude to a greater degree but introversion is about more than solitude. On the other hand, introverts also under-estimate how short social interactions can positively affect them.

Coplan then gets into how we can do solitude better. Our attitude is important. Those who understand the benefits have a more positive experience. Sometimes, it even helps to “fake it until you make it.” He encourages a journal to track our time to notice what is most helpful. There is no one right way. Like exercising, starting with small doses and building up can help. Even just fifteen minutes can make a difference in our sense of well-being. And avoid ruminating!

He also explores how solitude helps creativity by letting our minds wander. When working on a problem, taking a break and switching helps incubate new ideas. Solitude also allows us to achieve a state of “flow.” Like many others, he advocates solitude from our devices. He invites us to cultivate “JOMO,” the Joy Of Missing Out. At least we should turn off notifications, and avoid scrolling through newsfeeds.

He offers advice on solitude and children. For younger children building solitude muscles by choosing how they’ll spend time alone (but not on screens) can benefit them. Older children, on the other hand, may have so many schedule demands that they need help carving out alone time. And parents also need alone time (and can model this!). And alone time can enhance time together, including for couples.

I found the discussion distinguishing good and bad solitude and the diverse activities that one may pursue in solitude to be helpful. There were so many helpful, practical ideas for finding the right mix of solitude and socializing for each person with lots of permission to experiment. I loved the suggestions for creativity.

I mentioned the practice of solitude as a spiritual practice. While the book takes a secular, mental health approach to this, I think a non-sectarian discussion of solitude and spirituality might have enriched this book, since this is a place where many are introduced to solitude, often with helpful direction.

That said, this is a helpful introduction to the benefits of solitude, and the opportunity to become one’s own best friend.

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review.

Alone…And Not Alone

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As a petulant child, I can remember saying “leave me alone!” Yet I might have silently added in my head, “but not too long.” This Sunday, Pastor Rich talked about the Christian alone and how rare it actually is to be alone. Some of this has to do with the myriad distractions in our lives–our work, families, and an ever more ubiquitous technology. The latter is sometimes a paradox as we are connected to the world digitally and more socially cut off than ever.

Alone often seems to equate with loneliness. And yet sometimes I’ve felt most lonely in a crowd of people, and not at all lonely by myself. What is harder though is being alone, and unplugged. For ten seconds, there is the blessed silence of alone–and then the thoughts come. Sometimes it is recalling a task that I need to accomplish and it is relatively easy to add that to a “to do” list and return to silence. Sometimes it can be a fairly constructive process of mentally chewing over a problem or thinking through an upcoming presentation and beginning to experience the gelling of my thoughts.

What can be harder are some of the other kinds of thoughts. At least for me, and this may reveal my own dysfunctionality, the thoughts can be of shortcomings or failings–the “woulda, coulda, shoulda” kind of accusations that remind me that I could be a better person than I am. Or it can be thoughts of the tempting sort as I become aware of hunger and other desires. No wonder it is easy to open up the computer or turn on the radio.

What sometimes seems to help is remembering that I am alone…and not alone. I am not just with my thoughts but with the God who knows my thoughts, and neither runs away in horror or hammers me into oblivion. Instead he invites me to confess them, the word “confess” meaning “to agree with.” Somehow, acknowledging my failings, my frustrations, my desires, my anxieties seems to bring me to a place where i can let go of them into God’s care–kind of like telling your dad about something that was really bugging you as a kid, and then somehow knowing it would be all right. Dad knew.

Sometimes just to get to this point is blessed relief. But sometimes we might experience something more. That is when silence and aloneness leads to stillness. Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God.” Sometimes, I believe there is a point in aloneness where no words are needed, where our clamoring thoughts for just a moment are stilled, and we are just being with the God who is “I am”. We are both in wonder in the presence of the Holy One, and basking in the delight of being the beloved of the Father.

And this perhaps is the point where we might “hear” God. It might be a scripture that comes to mind. Perhaps a person comes to mind to call, or pray for, or visit. Sometimes there is nothing but being alone in the Presence, and attentive to whatever may come in the hours ahead. Rich observed that when we’ve been attentive to our thoughts and attentive to God, then we are best prepared to be attentive to others and truly enter into community.

Where do I get alone? Rich’s suggestion that if no where else we might find aloneness in the toilet might be the answer for some. For me, it is getting up in the early morning and sitting in a rocker with my first cup of coffee. Sometimes, it is a long meandering walk. And sometimes, it seems to be working out my thoughts in writing–with the “new mail” sounds muted. Wherever and however it is, somehow aloneness and stillness seems to be health for us and for our communities.

A good friend of ours teaches me much about the wonder of being alone, quiet, waiting. She writes a blog called QuietKeepers. I would commend it to give you a taste of the riches of coming to the place of quiet.

This post was also posted today at our church’s Going Deeper blog.

Is Reading Solitary or Social?

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I probably drank too much caffeine yesterday and so had a restless night. So I was up for about an hour and read a couple essays in a recent book titled The Edge of the Precipice: Why Read Literature in the Digital Age? edited by Paul Socken. One particular essay caught my attention: “Solitary Reading in an Age of Compulsory Sharing”.  The author extolled the glory of reading as a solitary activity in an era where social media tracks most of our activity (including the books we read if we use vehicles like GoodReads). He worried that linkages between sites like Amazon and Facebook could mean that all the books we purchase could become “updates”, and even the use of e-readers could provide information about our reading habits. Print books purchased offline and read privately preserve that wonderful solitary experience, which he differentiates from loneliness.

As an introvert, I get this. Sometimes, having my nose in a book is the equivalent of posting a sign that says, “Leave me alone!” (though I also find that this often doesn’t work!). More than that, reading as we usually practice it, is a solitary act in the sense that words on a page engage and evoke thoughts and emotions in my inner person–sometimes enjoyment, sometimes perplexity, sometimes intense interest in a novel idea that rearranges my mental furniture. I can be in a coffee shop or alone in the family room and no one knows what is transpiring–unless I tell them.

At the same time, I note that the author of this essay differentiated being solitary from being lonely. I would contend that in fact, reading is never solitary because we are always engaged with another mind, and that is why we are not lonely. Last night while my wife was in dream land, I was mentally engaged in an argument with this essay’s writer. I was alone, yet not alone. While I was the solitary figure in my living room, I could not engage in reading alone–I needed another in order to have someone to read.

And so I would contend that reading, even apart from reading aloud, discussing books in groups, blogging and posting about books, is an inherently social activity, and one of the profoundest because in reading, I enter deeply in the thought world of another. I guess this is where I struggled with the essayist. To me, it seemed to be all about his experience of the book alone. For me, reading is about entering the world of another–someone I may never meet physically–but someone who I’ve become intimately involved with in the sense of entering their thought world, their vision of the world, their arguments. I both do this, and step back and think about what I admire, what I would want to explore more, what I would question.

I also found the writer kind of snarky about social media–particularly the idea of social media monetizing the things we share (which I will concede happens). At least he wasn’t being snarky about social media on social media! Certainly I’ve seen some of the same things he does–the people on GoodReads who never read anything, the mean-spirited reviews on Amazon that substitute attack for critique. Social media, like all our technologies, is a double-edged sword. What I am intrigued with is the project of using social media to foster a community of those who love significant conversations, who want to share what they are reading and thinking. I work in a national organization and I have the chance to interact with colleagues across the country who I may see once a year or less. I’ve had the chance to intersect with like-, and differently-minded bloggers. I’ve heard from total strangers who found a book I reviewed of interest or help to them. And my interest in a book has been piqued by the review of another.

Moreover, I love discussing books with my Wednesday morning book group. My wife and I sometimes read devotional literature aloud together or read aloud on car rides. So I would contend that, apart from the fact that I’m not talking to the human beings around me when I read, reading is an inherently social act, and one that is even richer with the personal and virtual social interactions we might have around our books.

But this brings up a question that might be the subject of a future post: can we be in solitude without books or any other form of external input? This may be one of the greatest challenges for us in an age where we undergo a 24/7 bombardment of media.