Marriage

The Weekly Wrap: May 31-June 6

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The Weekly Wrap: May 31-June 6

Why I Still Read

I see many stories about the eclipse of reading. I’m not sure what to believe about all that. What I am sure of is that I’m going to keep reading.

First of all I’m still able. Neither the mind nor the eyes have failed. So let’s read while we can.

Also, you could argue that it is a habit. And that would be right. Reading has enriched my life for over 65 years. Why stop?

“Because I think I am making progress.” That’s what famed cellist Pablo Casals said in his eighties when asked why he still practiced for hours a day. I think that is true for me as well. I think I’m a better reader than five years ago. I carry more from what I’ve read before into what I read now.

I’m still curious. I still long to understand more of God, the world around me, human history, and even baseball. Actually, it’s humbling, because in all of these things, the more I read, the more I grasp how little I understand.

I also read to resist everything from AI to the bombardments of our visual and social media that would turn my mind to mush. Longform writing challenges me to focus, to see the connections of one idea to the next, one event to the next. None of us sees the totality of the big picture. But I don’t want to settle for memes, slogans, and nostrums.

Finally, did I mention what a pleasure this all is? Not the quick, evanescent pleasure of a snack but the slow, savoring pleasure of a multiple course dinner at a top end restaurant, where each bite is savored.

Five Articles Worth Reading

Persepolis was a ground-breaking graphic story, depicting an Iranian girl’s life during the Iran-Iraq War. Sadly, Marjane Satrapi, once that girl, died June 4 in France. “Marjane Satrapi, creator of Persepolis and acclaimed French-Iranian artist, dies aged 56” reports that death, offering a retrospective on her life and work.

We celebrated our 48th anniversary this week. Count me in as a believer in marriage. But marriage isn’t easy, nor is it the institution it once was. Stephanie Coontz has a new book title For Better and Worse, reviewed by Honor Jones in “How to Save Marriage.” The article portrays how our cultural landscape has changed and why.

The Man Who Read Everything is a literary biography of Harold Bloom through his correspondence. Barry Schwabsky introduces us to Bloom and the book in “The Critic’s Loves.”

Reaction continues to come in to Magnifica humanitas, Pope Leo XIV’s encyclical on AI. In “Should the Lion Lie Down With the Electric Lamb?” Anton Barba Kay argues the encyclical doesn’t recognize the greatest threat of AI. He writes:

“The letdown is not that Magnifica humanitas is too moderate or that we are called on to ‘embrace’ technology ‘with gratitude and realism,’ it is that the Church and the pope have not yet discovered what technology is or how it recomposes us—have not realized what it would truly mean to articulate the disagreement they have with Big Tech.”

Finally, I’ve long been a fan of Ann Patchett, both as a writer and a bookstore owner. Her latest novel was published this week and is reviewed by Helen Schulman in the article “Ann Patchett’s Latest Will Engage Your Mind and Warm Your Heart.”

Quote of the Week

Joe Hill, the son of Stephen King and an accomplished writer as well, was born June 4, 1972. He observed:

“You think you know someone. But mostly you just know what you want to know.“

Miscellaneous Musings

Did you ever feel you were reading a book the author wasn’t ready to write? That was my feeling about a book I just finished. It had some great insights, but it just didn’t feel “ripe” to me.

I agreed to review a book from an e-galley in .pdf format. It’s from a very small publisher and I understand their financial constraints. But the experience reminded me how I prefer physical books in reviewing. They allow me to easily flip back and forth. This did not even have any hyperlinks, so it meant lots of scrolling of a 400 page book.

Today the Allies landed on the Normandy beaches 82 years ago. I’ve read several histories of that day as well as watched Saving Private Ryan. One can’t but celebrate the heroism of those who fought and those who died. It also sobers me to remember that they were resisting in Nazism a tyrannous, expansionist, nationalist, and white supremacist regime.

Next Week’s Reviews

Monday: Tish Harrison Warren, What Grows in Weary Lands

Tuesday: Sharon Delgado, Love in a Time of Climate Change

Wednesday: Daniel Smith, Hard Feelings

Thursday: Mikel Del Rosario, Did Jesus Really Say He Was God?

Friday, Howard Thurman, Nothing Can Separate Us

So, that’s The Weekly Wrap for May 31 – June 6.

Find past editions of The Weekly Wrap under The Weekly Wrap heading on this page.

Review: The Marriage You Want

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Cover image of "The Marriage You Want" by Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr. Keith Gregoire

The Marriage You Want, Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr. Keith Gregoire. Baker Books (ISBN: 9781540903761) 2025.

Summary: Building a rich marriage partnership marked by balance, affection, responsibility, and emotional connection.

I don’t know anyone who goes into marriage who doesn’t want anything less than a loving partnership. We want a relationship that is durable through the hard stuff but also one of shared laughter and mutually satisfying intimacy. That’s not how it always turns out. And sometimes poor marriage counsel exacerbates the problems.

The Gregoires have a marriage ministry that is different. Both their experience working with couples and extensive survey data ground their counsel. It’s led them to frame the characteristics of healthy, flourishing marriages with the acronym BARE. This stands for Balance, Affection, Responsibility, and Emotional Connection. This book is organized around these four qualities with two chapters devoted to each.

Balance. They begin with a classic diagram of the triangle with God and the two spouses, where, as we grow closer to God, we grow closer to each other. But role stereotypes can stretch these triangles out of shape. One stereotype is that husbands are the tie-breakers in decision-making. Another is stereotypes about love for women, respect for men that turns out not to be true. The Gregoires show survey data that underscores how collaborative relationships of respect and love have the highest marital satisfaction. The best marriages reflect teamwork. Each spouse has tiered physiological, social, and actualization needs. If spouses are at different tiers, one of the spouses may have an entitlement mentality. “Compromise” is not helpful when this is the case. Sharing the load of home care and childcare is critical.

Affection. Affection can die in our busy lives. But talking in the car together, taking a walk together, and especially, having a shared bed time are vital. It can be sitting together in the bleachers during lessons and practices. The authors offer practical suggestions for getting time together without making life harder. And simple times of prayer and conversation about spiritual matters, even for a few minutes a day, help.

Then the Gregoires turn to sex. They believe the use of pornography is an intimacy-killer. At the same time connection in the bedroom relates to the couple’s teamwork in the rest of life. If one spouse is dog-tired from carrying the load of household responsibilities, sex is not going to be great. The mental load is part of this. They sensitively deal with issues of frequency and orgasm for both partners. They conclude: “Investing in your relationship and making sex something that flows naturally from that relationship will allow sex to be what it is meant to be: the physical outflowing of an emotional and even spiritual connection between you and your spouse” (p. 110).

Responsibility. Here, the authors wade more into the shared responsibility necessary for teamwork. They elaborate the idea of “mental load,” the energy involved in making sure everything gets done. The solution isn’t “give me a list” but each spouse owning what needs to be done and doing it. This means taking the initiative to learn the whole task. This includes things like medical appointments and “kinkeeping.” Often, one spouse carries this load.

Emotional Connection. Finally, spouses enjoy emotional connection when each spouse understands what he or she wants, speaks up, and spouses reach mutual understanding. The authors explore the barriers that keep us from opening up, how to become aware of one’s emotions and self-regulate when they threaten to overwhelm. They also address rebuilding broken trust.

The book is very practical. The authors identify the ways we fail to act as a team. They show how entitlement creeps in. They also offer positive steps to build partnerships, deepen affection and foster connection. Instead of prioritizing sex, they help couples build the affectionate, connected partnership where sex flourishes. Instead of offering role stereotypes, they commend mutual serving and collaboration. They allow each partner to bring his or her gifts. Instead of making marriage harder, they make it easier by helping each spouse to share the load. And when this is the case, marriage can even be fun.

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review.

Finally, thanks for visiting Bob on Books.  I appreciate that you spent time here. Feel to “look around” – see the tabs at the top of the website, and the right hand column. And use the buttons below to share this post. Blessings! [Adapted from Enough Light, a blog I follow.]

Review: Resisting the Marriage Plot

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Resisting the Marriage Plot (Studies in Theology and the Arts), Dalene Joy Fisher. Downers Grove: IVP Academic, 2021.

Summary: Contrary to prevailing ideas of Christianity being an oppressive force in women’s lives in Victorian literature, looks at four instances in this literature where women resist cultural expectations around marriage due to the liberating and empowering quality of their faith.

It’s fairly common in Victorian literary studies to show the oppression of women in the conventions of marriage. And it was indeed the case that marriage could be oppressive. Under coverture, discussed in this book, a woman’s legal rights were subsumed under her husband and she had no independent legal existence. She had no property rights of her own and so was economically dependent or “covered” by her husband. Even in a beneficent situation, the deprivation of these tokens of personhood, of agency, were a form of oppression. In an abusive situation it could be much worse. And many critics point to ways the church supported this understanding of marriage and the place of women.

Dalene Joy Fisher offers us a counterfactual in this study of four novelists whose characters resist the “marriage plot” in different ways, often at great cost to themselves, but sustained by convictions of their Christian faith that led them not to submit to marriage where this would compromise their human dignity. They are:

Mary Wollstonecraft, Maria in The Wrongs of Woman. Maria marries George Venables, only to discover he is libertine. He even pays a friend to seduce her. She decides to flee with her daughter, an unlawful act, and is confined to an asylum, guarded by Jemima who eventually helps her escape.

Jane Austen, Fanny in Mansfield Park. Fanny is an impoverished girl who is sent to live with her wealthy Aunt and Uncle, who attempt to marry her off to Henry Crawford, an impressive man of questionable morals. She resists the pressure to do so because of her faith and understanding that the power to “transform” him is beyond her. Eventually she marries a clergyman, Edmund, who has counselled and befriended her.

Anne Brontë, Helen in The Tenant of Wildfell Hall. Helen discovers her husband Arthur is both alcoholic and adulterous and flees with her young son Arthur, living under an assumed name and supporting them by selling paintings. Her faith will not allow her and her son to live in a state of moral degradation, despite society’s expectation. She falls in love with Gilbert Markham but cannot marry. When Arthur suffers what will be a fatal accident, She returns to for one final attempt at his reform, then marries Gilbert after Arthur’s death.

Elizabeth Gaskell, Ruth in Ruth. Ruth is a teenage orphan seduced by Henry Bellingham, then abandoned when she becomes pregnant. A reform minded minister takes her in, they label her a “widow,” and under this identity, she becomes a highly respected governess. Later, Bellingham, using the name Donne, shows up and insists she marry him, but she refuses because of her faith. But her true background is discovered, and she has to turn to nursing the most impoverished, gaining a name for herself. Donne falls ill and comes under her care, and, while caring for him, she contracts his disease and dies.

One of the key themes running through these novels is women refusing or leaving unworthy marriages due to their understanding of the Christian faith, that gives them a sense of agency to stand against the pressures to conform to societal norms. It is also the case that they resist the pressure to adopt the approach that a good woman can reform a bad man. They recognize that only God can transform hearts. In two instances, their resistance is rewarded with loving marriages. Two others end sadly, reflecting the consequences of oppressive structures.

The novelists considered were powerful voices. They reveal a more complex narrative of both ways Christianity has been used to oppress and Christian faith as liberative, of characters empowered by their understanding of Christian faithfulness to resist the “marriage plot” when not to so would implicate them in immoral behavior and subject them to abuse. Victorians spoke of marriage as “he for God only, she for God in him.” Fisher shows the power of Christian faith to lead both men and women to say, “they for God only, he and she for God,” a message which seems as needed today as in the Nineteenth century.

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary review copy of this book from the publisher.

Review: Discovering Biblical Equality (Third Edition)

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Discovering Biblical Equality: Biblical, Theological, Cultural & Practical Perspectives (Third Edition), Editors: Ronald W. Pierce and Cynthia Long Westfall, Associate editor: Christa L. McKirland. Downers Grove: IVP Academic, 2021.

Summary: A compendium of scholarly essays addressing gender differences in marriage and the church supporting an egalitarian perspective.

One of the divides among evangelical churches is over the question of the roles of women and men in the home and the church. One group would contend that the Bible teaches distinctive roles for women and men, teaching the subordination of women to the headship of men in marriage, and that men alone may lead and teach in the church, except in the case of ministry with women or children. This position has been variously termed traditional, hierarchical or most popularly, complementarian. It is represented by the Council of Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (CBMW). The other group would maintain that the Bible teaches mutual love and service of husband and wife in marriage and open all roles in ministry to both men and women on the basis of gift rather than gender. This position is most often referred to as biblical equality or egalitarian, and as evangelical feminism by its opponents. This position is most publicly represented by Christians for Biblical Equality (CBE) International.

Each has published compendia of scholarly articles serving as resources in support of their respective positions. CBMW’s publication is Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, edited by John Piper and Wayne Grudem, now in a revised edition. Discovering Biblical Equality represents the scholars who would identify with CBE International, including Mimi Haddad, its president. It is in its third edition, with Cynthia Long Westfall taking the place of Rebecca Merrill Groothuis, co-editor of the first two editions and an essay contributor, who passed away in 2018. Christa L. McKirland also joined the editor team as an associate editor and contributes one of the most thought provoking articles on gender essentialism.

The work is set up in four sections. It is not meant to be read straight through necessarily, as I did, but to serve as a reference work. For the sake of brevity, I will summarize the content of each section, highlighting essays that particularly caught my attention.

Looking to Scripture: Essays in this section address questions of exegesis of the relevant passages on gender in marriage and the church. I particularly appreciated Aida Besancon-Spencer’s study of Jesus’s treatment of women in the gospels and his affirmation of women as learners, disciples, and laborers alongside men, while also addressing reasons for the male apostles. Lynn Cohick’s study on Ephesians 5:21-33 and Colossians 3:18-19 addresses historical and exegetical concerns and supports the idea of mutual love and submission within marriage. Linda L. Belleville’s exceptionally thorough essay on 1 Timothy 2:11-15 discusses the translation of authentein and contends that Paul is addressing a particular occasion in which the Ephesian women were trying to gain advantage over men by teaching in a domineering fashion, and thus that Paul is not prohibiting all teaching but only that striving for the upper hand.

Thinking it Through: Theological and Logical Perspectives: Christa L. McKirland argues against the gender essentialism of Piper and Grudem that roots maleness and femaleness with distinctiveness of roles in being created in the image of God. She argues that dominion and reflection of the divine presence are not gender dependent, and that genderedness connects us not with the image of God but other creatures. Hence, personhood is not essentially male nor female. That doesn’t mean there are no differences, but these are not essential differences. There are interesting questions this essay raises about gender identity, particularly in cases of intersexuality or gender dysphoria that I would like to see developed further. Kevin Giles offers a helpful summary of the theologically questionable use of hierarchical arguments about the subordination of the Son to support the subordination of women, noting that other complementarians have refuted this position. Finally, the essay by the late Rebecca Merrill Groothuis on “Equal in Being, Unequal in Role” shows the logical fallacies in this view, often invoked by complementarians and reminds us of the fine scholar we lost in her.

Addressing The Issues: Interpretive and Cultural Perspectives: Jeffrey Miller offers a helpful, data-based essay on the impact of gender-accurate translation and how our contemporary translations differ in this regard. Heidi R. Unruh and Ronald J. Sider offer a highly relevant essay on gender equality and the sanctity of life, written pre-Dobbs. They argue for a compassionate, pro-life feminism. They argue for a whole of life approach to being pro-life, and argue for how pro-life and pro-choice advocates may work together to seek the flourishing of women.

Living It Out: Practical Applications: I appreciated Mimi Haddad’s essay of how at the church level, people might be helped to understand biblical equality through: speaking biblical truths in understandable language, emphasizing how mutuality improves marriages, connect this message to core Christian beliefs, model the message, and allow simple, safe ways for people to try out their Christian freedom with regard to gender. Kylie Maddox Pidgeon’s essay on “Complementarianism and Domestic Abuse” makes a powerful case that intended or not, complementarianism creates systemic discrimination, and “implicit and explicit biases that disadvantage women.” Alice P. Mathews concludes this section with an essay titled “Toward Reconciliation.” She calls for honest discussions between those holding competing paradigms with both biblical rigor and courtesy, the paradigms must be explained at many levels, and we need to work at embracing each other across the chasm, centering our relations in the gospel.

My sense is that the “sides” of this discussion operate as echo chambers, each amplifying its own voice and muting the others. Certainly with regard to this book, egalitarians could use this work as just such an echo chamber. Yet this work is important, especially for women in contexts where they receive little encouragement for their gifts or support for their personhood in their marriages. I pray for the days when scholars on both “sides” of this discussion engage with each other rather than writing about each other in separate tomes like this one or the CBMW counterpart. I look forward to the days when what scholars of color are saying is heeded in what has been a predominantly white discussion. I look forward to the day when there is one less instance of the “pervasive interpretive pluralism” that evangelicalism’s critics have observed of us. And I hope this work will serve to promote understanding rather than unfruitful argument.

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary review copy of this book from the publisher.

Review: An Impossible Marriage

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An Impossible Marriage, Laurie Krieg and Matt Krieg. Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press, 2020.

Summary: Matt and Laurie Krieg are in a mixed orientation marriage and narrate both the challenges they have faced and what they have learned about God and love as they remained together.

Matt Krieg is attracted to women. And so is Laurie Krieg. They are married to each other. And it hasn’t been easy. Most would consider it impossible. They should just divorce and marry according to their orientations. At one point, they were very close to doing so.

Why did they marry in the first place? Laurie had been in a relationship with a woman when she met Matt. She broke off with the woman, dated Matt for a year and then broke off the relationship. As a follower of Christ, she was willing to be single, “married to Jesus,” as it were. She was still attracted to women. She was committed to a life of ministry. God told her he wanted her to do so as a married woman. To a man. Then Matt came back into the picture. She was honest about her attractions but also her desire to marry Matt.

It seemed that all would be OK. They even weathered Matt’s revelation of his pornography addiction. Then, the birth of Laurie’s second child triggered memories of child sexual abuse and she couldn’t even stand being in the same room as Matt, let alone being touched by him. Sex was off the table. Most of this book is about how Matt and Laurie worked through this seemingly impossible situation and how God met them. Most of the book goes back and forth between Matt and Laurie, and how each of them were processing the relationship.

It was not all about Laurie. Matt had to face how sex was still an idol in his life, not a gift. He came to terms with the “sex as currency” dysfunction of their marriage (I do the dishes so that you will want to have sex). And he recognized the need for affirmation that sex represented, affirmation he didn’t look to God to receive.

For Laurie, a personal retreat brought her to the brink of leaving, and the realization that to do so for her would be to silence the Holy Spirit’s presence in her life. She did not want that. She chose trusting and following Jesus, and returned home. It was only a beginning. She was still triggered often in his presence. She didn’t want to be together. Then she began to wrestle with the meaning of oneness in marriage as a tangible picture of our oneness with God. She began to take half steps toward Matt. Matt let her set the pace. There were breakthroughs of insight, and a slow steady process of becoming friends, holding hands, and going to war in prayer against the memories of abuse.

It is a powerful story of how God made the impossible possible for this couple. This is not a book meant to be weaponized in the polemics around LGBTQ+ issues. While the authors believe that marriage is meant to be between a man and a woman, they recognize others differ. The book is really for all married couples (and singles as well, according to the authors). Underlying Jesus teaching about marriage and divorce (Matthew 19:1-12) is the reality that marriage is hard, because it lays bare the hardness of the human heart. All hearts. It might be said that all marriages are “impossible” marriages, yet under God, the impossible is used to form us in understanding the love of God and the oneness with Him into which he invites us.

The element of trauma also makes this an important book for those who have experienced trauma as well as those who love them. Laurie makes the point that her sexual attraction and the abuse in her life are separate, and many who experience sexual abuse are heterosexually oriented. What Matt learns about loving Laurie, and the steps Laurie takes to love Matt while they are still struggling offer an example that might be helpful for others

The authors suggest that marriage involves cultivating seven “gardens”: emotional, spiritual, physical, intellectual, social, family, and stewardship. Connection in all of these is important and neglecting one area affects the others. The book includes a study guide couples can use, or even couples groups where there is trust. The book underscores the importance of having others with whom we can be vulnerable.

This is a powerful and honest narrative. Despite the unique circumstances of their marriage, I recognized the challenges all of us face in marriage, and the hope offered for those who trust in Christ that what seems impossible for us at times is possible in Christ.

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary review copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.

Review: See-Through Marriage

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See-Through Marriage, Ryan and Selena Frederick. Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2020.

Summary: A fulfilling marriage is one that is transparent, about our joys and desires, our past and our failures, where all these things are brought into the light.

This book builds on the idea of 1 John 1:7:

“But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”

The authors maintain that in marriage, the most fulfilling marriages are honest marriages, where there are no secrets, where couples learn to bring to each other their joys and sorrows, their sins and failures, their desires and preferences. Part of what makes this scary is that we hide what we think will make the other love us less. Yet the vulnerability that tells the truth offers the chance to be loved even more–loved for who we are. Hiding actually distances us from each other.

They explore the lies we tell each other, the ways we hide, and what real transparency looks like. Transparency involves knowing ourselves–spiritually, psychologically, and physically. Transparency leads us into oneness. They explore the implications of this for our sexuality, for our communication, our friendships, and our experience of Christian community.

They face us with a choice:

   Being completely known and still completely loved is perhaps the greatest human desire. We long for a connection so deep and so unshakable that no matter who we are or what we do, we will still be counted as lovable. The desire drives us all forward, but not always to the same destination. It either will drive you to present a version of yourself that is more readily loved and accepted by others or will drive you into the shadows in hopes of not being exposed for who you truly are (pp. 46-47).

They tell stories of how they and other couples faced this choice and what it looked like to face fear and step into the light of transparency with each other. They offer questions at the end of each chapter for personal reflection or study together.

The patterns of transparency or hiding that couples develop early in their marriages are vital to the health of a marriage. This seems like a book particularly framed for couples in the early years of marriage, though it can be helpful at any point. This is not so much a book for a marriage in trouble, where the help of a counselor may be important, but rather a book that both prevents problems, and paints a vision of what marriage is meant to be.

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary review copy of this book from the publisher. The opinions I have expressed are my own.