The Marriage You Want, Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr. Keith Gregoire. Baker Books (ISBN: 9781540903761) 2025.

Summary: Building a rich marriage partnership marked by balance, affection, responsibility, and emotional connection.

I don’t know anyone who goes into marriage who doesn’t want anything less than a loving partnership. We want a relationship that is durable through the hard stuff but also one of shared laughter and mutually satisfying intimacy. That’s not how it always turns out. And sometimes poor marriage counsel exacerbates the problems.

The Gregoires have a marriage ministry that is different. Both their experience working with couples and extensive survey data ground their counsel. It’s led them to frame the characteristics of healthy, flourishing marriages with the acronym BARE. This stands for Balance, Affection, Responsibility, and Emotional Connection. This book is organized around these four qualities with two chapters devoted to each.

Balance. They begin with a classic diagram of the triangle with God and the two spouses, where, as we grow closer to God, we grow closer to each other. But role stereotypes can stretch these triangles out of shape. One stereotype is that husbands are the tie-breakers in decision-making. Another is stereotypes about love for women, respect for men that turns out not to be true. The Gregoires show survey data that underscores how collaborative relationships of respect and love have the highest marital satisfaction. The best marriages reflect teamwork. Each spouse has tiered physiological, social, and actualization needs. If spouses are at different tiers, one of the spouses may have an entitlement mentality. “Compromise” is not helpful when this is the case. Sharing the load of home care and childcare is critical.

Affection. Affection can die in our busy lives. But talking in the car together, taking a walk together, and especially, having a shared bed time are vital. It can be sitting together in the bleachers during lessons and practices. The authors offer practical suggestions for getting time together without making life harder. And simple times of prayer and conversation about spiritual matters, even for a few minutes a day, help.

Then the Gregoires turn to sex. They believe the use of pornography is an intimacy-killer. At the same time connection in the bedroom relates to the couple’s teamwork in the rest of life. If one spouse is dog-tired from carrying the load of household responsibilities, sex is not going to be great. The mental load is part of this. They sensitively deal with issues of frequency and orgasm for both partners. They conclude: “Investing in your relationship and making sex something that flows naturally from that relationship will allow sex to be what it is meant to be: the physical outflowing of an emotional and even spiritual connection between you and your spouse” (p. 110).

Responsibility. Here, the authors wade more into the shared responsibility necessary for teamwork. They elaborate the idea of “mental load,” the energy involved in making sure everything gets done. The solution isn’t “give me a list” but each spouse owning what needs to be done and doing it. This means taking the initiative to learn the whole task. This includes things like medical appointments and “kinkeeping.” Often, one spouse carries this load.

Emotional Connection. Finally, spouses enjoy emotional connection when each spouse understands what he or she wants, speaks up, and spouses reach mutual understanding. The authors explore the barriers that keep us from opening up, how to become aware of one’s emotions and self-regulate when they threaten to overwhelm. They also address rebuilding broken trust.

The book is very practical. The authors identify the ways we fail to act as a team. They show how entitlement creeps in. They also offer positive steps to build partnerships, deepen affection and foster connection. Instead of prioritizing sex, they help couples build the affectionate, connected partnership where sex flourishes. Instead of offering role stereotypes, they commend mutual serving and collaboration. They allow each partner to bring his or her gifts. Instead of making marriage harder, they make it easier by helping each spouse to share the load. And when this is the case, marriage can even be fun.

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review.

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