Sexuality

Review: The Real Conversation Jesus Wants Us to Have

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Cover image of "The Real Conversation Jesus Wants Us to Have" by Regina V. Cates

The Real Conversation Jesus Wants Us to Have, Regina V. Cates, foreword by Paula Stone Williams. Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co. (ISBN: 9780802884107) 2025.

Summary: A pastor imagines what Jesus would want to talk about with Christians in the present moment.

Regina V. Cates invites us to imagine Jesus in conversation with his followers today. She believes he would talk about the abuses of power toward the marginalized and how the church ought love these “neighbors.” Cates thinks he would have a problem with our dogmatic judgementalism toward the “other.” Divisive and corrupt political leadership would deeply disturb him. Jesus would wade into issues we don’t talk about in polite society: sexuality, racism, abortion, toxic masculinity, and more.

Then Cates proceeds to have that conversation in a hard-hitting series of chapters addressing different topics. She pulls no punches, beginning on LGBTQIA+ issues and the church. Cates gets personal, sharing her own painful journey of realizing she was lesbian from an early age in a fundamentalist church. She was sexually assaulted by a sitter and later by a counselor her parents took her to in an effort to “change” her. She was told all such persons are going to hell. No one saw her as a person to be loved. She recounts her own experience of emotional healing in an Inipi sweat lodge. In subsequent chapters, she challenges what she sees as the dogmatism that undergirds what she understands as ancient and misinterpreted texts. She argues that to be religious and moral are two different things.

She describes her remarkable relationship with Byll, an atheist who is one of the kindest people she has met, and who showed her loving acceptance. Then she challenges the “better than arrogance of Christians, challenging us to get ego out of the way. However, all relationships are not like this. Rather, there are times when we must discern when to turn the other cheek and when to responsibly stand up.

She moves on to address other hot-button issues. For example, she argues that “men of quality respect women’s equality” and bluntly addresses sexism and patriarchy and toxic masculinity in the church. This includes male responsibility in matters of sex. She also challenges the church’s complicity in racism and all the ways we try to deny this is a problem. Nor does she mince words about political corruption and our need for leaders of integrity.

Finally, she explores what it means to be a church that embraces all members of the human family. This includes becoming places that create secure settings for the healing of trauma. Ultimately, this means becoming places where we love as Jesus loved.

While I would respectfully differ with the author in my understanding of some biblical texts concerning human sexuality, it broke my heart to read of her experiences in her fundamentalist church. No interpretation of scripture or dogma requires or justifies how the church treated her or what they taught.

Likewise, it saddens me that so many former fundamentalists and evangelicals are writing books like this. In a way, it makes the author’s point that there is a conversation Jesus wants us to have. For example, I grieve that so many men have treated women so badly. As Cates observes, true partnership in ministry does not diminish men. Rather, such men are the real superheroes.

Finally, is this the book to read about the real conversation the church needs to have? While there is much I would affirm in this book, it felt like I’d read this book before and for me, it did not break new ground. That said, this book certainly could spark needed conversations for those open and honest and secure enough with each other to have them.

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review.

Review: Sexuality and Sex Therapy

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Cover image of "Sexuality and Sex Therapy" by Mark A. Yarhouse and Erica S. N. Tan

Sexuality and Sex Therapy, Second Edition, Mark A Yarhouse and Erica S. N. Tan. IVP Academic (ISBN: 9781514010976) 2025.

Summary: A resource for Christian therapists, counselors, and the church affirming the blessing of our sexuality.

Christians simply must get better at discussions of sexuality that go beyond what not to do and who not to do it with. Far too often our discussions of sexuality have been co-opted by our culture wars or distorted by patriarchy. This includes forms of Purity Culture that wrought harm for many youth. On a quieter, but often deeply painful note, many Christian couples struggle to achieve the intimacy promoted within Christian marriage.

Sexuality and Sex Therapy, quite simply, is a superb resource for the whole church. Written for Christian therapists and counselors, it offers in depth foundational perspectives and factual information reflecting the current standards of care in the field of sex therapy. As is often the case, the subtitle, “A Comprehensive Christian Appraisal” is an important descriptor. First, it is comprehensive, addressing the range of sexual disorders and clinical presentations of various conditions. It is Christian, reflecting historic orthodoxy with an emphasis on affirming our physicality and God’s redemptive purposes for our sexuality. Finally, it is an appraisal, discussing both recent societal trends and identifying questions Christian therapists may want to think through in their practice.

For those concerned, with regard to questions of sexual orientation and gender identity, they commend an APA approach that is client rather than gay or trans-affirming. They do not commend efforts to change orientation. For those with gender dysphoria, they cite standards of care and therapeutic options that involve both medical and non-medical interventions. They lean toward a “least invasive possible” approach within a client affirming stance.

The book is organized in four parts. The first part addresses foundations: theological, sociocultural, biological, and clinical. The theological chapter addresses a Christian framework vis a vis other worldviews. The second chapter addresses the understanding of sexuality in our culture, including how it is reflected in social media. And given the focus of the church, it addresses the responses to purity culture. Chapter three provides accurate biological information, including a discussion of menopause. And chapter four introduces clinical practice, including treatment and ethical standards.

Part two addresses the sexual disorder most often addressed in sex therapy. Chapters are addressed to sexual interest and arousal disorders, female orgasmic disorders, pain during intimacy, erectile disorders, and premature and delayed ejaculation disorders. As relevant, each chapter also addresses care for gay and lesbian couples.

Part three addresses other clinical presentations a therapist may encounter. These include various paraphilic disorders, non-normative and alternate sexualities like BDSM and kink, and non-monogamous sexualities. They address sexual addictions, working with mixed orientation couples and mixed gender identity couples.

Finally, part four is a brief conclusion addressing the challenges and opportunities for Christians in the area of sex therapy. They note various constructs and values that may be at variance with a Christian perspective. At the same time, they recognize the chance to bring healing to individuals and couples and the joy of stewarding one’s sexuality for mutual love and God’s glory.

One of the strengths of the book is the depth of information. Many in ministry may not engage in sex therapy, leaving this for those with the appropriate training. The accurate information can help pastoral and lay counselors to not offer bad, and sometimes hurtful information. Extensive reference lists at the end of each chapter provide current research and other helpful resources.

An approach that refuses to hew to a party line on sexual identity or gender dysphoria will frustrate some. However, not all the therapists can select their clients. Additionally, there are professional standards of care in the field that therapists need to adhere to in terms of licensure. At the same time, a client-affirming approach doesn’t push clients one way or another but allows them to make choices congruent with their values, including Christian values.

In sum, this book serves as a great adjunct resource for Christians trained in non-religious clinical programs. It may serve as an introductory clinical text in Christian counseling programs. In addition, as noted above, it is a valuable source for the broader Christian public, affirming a Christian view of the gift of our sexuality.

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review.

Finally, thanks for visiting Bob on Books.  I appreciate that you spent time here. Feel to “look around” – see the tabs at the top of the website, and the right hand column. And use the buttons below to share this post. Blessings! [Adapted from Enough Light, a blog I follow.]

Review: The Marriage You Want

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Cover image of "The Marriage You Want" by Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr. Keith Gregoire

The Marriage You Want, Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr. Keith Gregoire. Baker Books (ISBN: 9781540903761) 2025.

Summary: Building a rich marriage partnership marked by balance, affection, responsibility, and emotional connection.

I don’t know anyone who goes into marriage who doesn’t want anything less than a loving partnership. We want a relationship that is durable through the hard stuff but also one of shared laughter and mutually satisfying intimacy. That’s not how it always turns out. And sometimes poor marriage counsel exacerbates the problems.

The Gregoires have a marriage ministry that is different. Both their experience working with couples and extensive survey data ground their counsel. It’s led them to frame the characteristics of healthy, flourishing marriages with the acronym BARE. This stands for Balance, Affection, Responsibility, and Emotional Connection. This book is organized around these four qualities with two chapters devoted to each.

Balance. They begin with a classic diagram of the triangle with God and the two spouses, where, as we grow closer to God, we grow closer to each other. But role stereotypes can stretch these triangles out of shape. One stereotype is that husbands are the tie-breakers in decision-making. Another is stereotypes about love for women, respect for men that turns out not to be true. The Gregoires show survey data that underscores how collaborative relationships of respect and love have the highest marital satisfaction. The best marriages reflect teamwork. Each spouse has tiered physiological, social, and actualization needs. If spouses are at different tiers, one of the spouses may have an entitlement mentality. “Compromise” is not helpful when this is the case. Sharing the load of home care and childcare is critical.

Affection. Affection can die in our busy lives. But talking in the car together, taking a walk together, and especially, having a shared bed time are vital. It can be sitting together in the bleachers during lessons and practices. The authors offer practical suggestions for getting time together without making life harder. And simple times of prayer and conversation about spiritual matters, even for a few minutes a day, help.

Then the Gregoires turn to sex. They believe the use of pornography is an intimacy-killer. At the same time connection in the bedroom relates to the couple’s teamwork in the rest of life. If one spouse is dog-tired from carrying the load of household responsibilities, sex is not going to be great. The mental load is part of this. They sensitively deal with issues of frequency and orgasm for both partners. They conclude: “Investing in your relationship and making sex something that flows naturally from that relationship will allow sex to be what it is meant to be: the physical outflowing of an emotional and even spiritual connection between you and your spouse” (p. 110).

Responsibility. Here, the authors wade more into the shared responsibility necessary for teamwork. They elaborate the idea of “mental load,” the energy involved in making sure everything gets done. The solution isn’t “give me a list” but each spouse owning what needs to be done and doing it. This means taking the initiative to learn the whole task. This includes things like medical appointments and “kinkeeping.” Often, one spouse carries this load.

Emotional Connection. Finally, spouses enjoy emotional connection when each spouse understands what he or she wants, speaks up, and spouses reach mutual understanding. The authors explore the barriers that keep us from opening up, how to become aware of one’s emotions and self-regulate when they threaten to overwhelm. They also address rebuilding broken trust.

The book is very practical. The authors identify the ways we fail to act as a team. They show how entitlement creeps in. They also offer positive steps to build partnerships, deepen affection and foster connection. Instead of prioritizing sex, they help couples build the affectionate, connected partnership where sex flourishes. Instead of offering role stereotypes, they commend mutual serving and collaboration. They allow each partner to bring his or her gifts. Instead of making marriage harder, they make it easier by helping each spouse to share the load. And when this is the case, marriage can even be fun.

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review.

Finally, thanks for visiting Bob on Books.  I appreciate that you spent time here. Feel to “look around” – see the tabs at the top of the website, and the right hand column. And use the buttons below to share this post. Blessings! [Adapted from Enough Light, a blog I follow.]

Review: Recovering from Purity Culture

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Cover image of "Recovering from purity Culture" by Camden Morgante

Recovering from Purity Culture, Camden Morgante. Baker Books (ISBN: 9781540904263) 2024.

Summary: Exposes the myths and harms of purity culture and how to reclaim both healthy sexuality and faith.

We got married in the 1970’s, long before Purity Culture was a thing. On our own, we chose to abstain from sex before marriage. We did not want to say something with our bodies that we were unwilling to commit to before a community of family, friends, and God.

As a campus minister, I began hearing about things like Worth Waiting For, purity rings, and father-daughter dances. I affirmed the wisdom of refraining from sex before marriage. But it felt kind of cringey and cultish, and I wondered how kids would come out of it. For some, it worked out. These folks seemed to have internalized the positive values of Purity Culture without the harmful side effects. But others struggled mightily with shame, including body shaming. Some had distorted views of sexuality that made sex undesirable, even after marriage. Others failed, and believed they were damaged goods. When virginity is the most important thing, even an idol, and you fail to live up to the ideal, you think you have lost everything.

I later learned how purity culture links with patriarchy. Girls were the keepers of boys’ virtue. Boys couldn’t help themselves. And in marriage, instead of loving mutuality, women were expected to to provide sex as often as their husbands wanted it. It became part of an apparatus to control the lives of girls and women.

Often, purity culture has been one of the factors in the lives of those “deconstructing” their faith. If one’s sexuality is only a source of shame, guilt, and pain, and this arises from Christian teaching, then it makes sense to question the faith.

Camden Morgante is a licensed clinical psychologist who grew up in Purity Culture. Much of her healing came both from her own study of scripture and from her clinical training. Much of her work is treating those who have come out of this culture and experienced its harmful effects. Her book draws from her experience, research and clinical experience to help people deconstruct the myths, recover from the shame and other effects, and move forward to live healthy sexual lives and as it is possible “reconstruct” a healthy faith.

The book begins by describing the toxic character of much of purity Culture, as discussed above. She goes on to deconstruct five myths of purity culture, including the fairy-tale marriage, the flipped switch, and the girls as gatekeepers role.

Then the last part of the book turns to “reconstruction.” She discusses faith and doubt and doing one’s own work in reconstruction. She explores developing one’s own sexual ethics, with one’s own reasons. While preferring a traditional Christian ethic, she does not impose this. She deals with singleness, particularly later in life, sexuality in marriage and the difficulties that can arise, overcoming shame, and parenting after purity culture.

There is so much I appreciate about this book. Morgante offers “tools for the journey” from her clinical practice and encourages people to reach their own conclusions. Meanwhile, she quietly holds out a model of a redeemed sexuality for Christ-followers that offers joy, pleasure, and loving mutuality. She’s candid about problems. She names the falsehoods of Purity Culture in ways that help those who struggle to know that it is not them and they are not alone. Instead of myths of “great sex in marriage” Morgante helps us understand the goodness of our bodies and our sexuality. She moves the conversation about Purity Culture, #MeTwo, and #ChurchToo from grievance and pain to the possibility of healing and wholeness.

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book for review from the publisher through LibraryThing’s Early Reviewers Program.

Review: Chastity and the Soul

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Cover of "Chastity and the Soul" by Ronald Rolheiser

Chastity and the Soul: You Are Holy Ground, Ronald Rolheiser. Paraclete Press (ISBN: 9781640609471) 2024.

Summary: An exploration of the meaning of chastity which has to do with far more than sex.

“Can purity be a word that is ever used without a cringe?”

Father Ronald Rolheiser quotes Lisbeth During asking this question in her book, The Chastity Plot. Rolheiser, in this book that explores the meaning of chastity in Christian teaching, would most emphatically and joyfully answer “yes!” And that despite all the negative connotations, critiques of “purity culture,” and the connotations of prudishness and repressed sexuality with which the culture greets this word.

First of all, Rolheiser defines chastity, and it is clear from his definition that he is talking about far more than sex:

“In essence, chastity is proper reverence, respect, and patience. And in a culture that is often characterized by irreverence, disrespect, and impatience, it is much needed. To be chaste is to experience people, things, places, entertainment, the phases of life, life’s opportunities, and sex, in a way that does not violate them or us. In brief, I am chaste when I relate to others in a way that does not violate their moral, psychological, emotional, sexual, or aesthetic contours. I am chaste when I do not let irreverence or impatience denigrate what is a gift, and when I let life, others, and sex, unfold according to their proper dictates” (p. 4)

But why chastity? It comes down to our understanding of what we and other people are. Rolheiser, using the language of Moses’ burning bush encounter with God says that both we and every person we encounter is holy ground. Any approach that is irreverent, impatient, or that fails to respect the holy character of every human in the image of God is unchaste. I can see how this relates not only to sex but with how we engage with people in any shared endeavor. To disregard the gift of another, to force our way without accounting for another, is unchaste.

Chastity and sex need each other and are not at war with each other. Chastity protects us from misusing the power of our sexuality so that both people may fully be themselves with each other. Chastity, properly understood, doesn’t shut off sexual longing for the other that springs from the God-given reality that it is not good for us to be alone.

Rolheiser challenges those who would separate sex and the soul or even deny the soul. He sees this as the underlying basis for the explosion of “hookup sex” and the explosion of pornography. Yet we all have a sense that deep down, there is a place precious to us, that carries our deepest longings, our sense of self. and in sexual intimacy, we give another access to that place. It’s a place where we want to be protected, honored, and listened to. “Chastity protects the soul.”

Rolheiser goes on to explore the effects of pornography, addresses how we live in tension with our “inconsummation” and how we may learn from Mary and the virgin daughter of Jephthah. He is honest with us that celibacy has been the hardest part of his vows, “but, at the same time, it has helped create a special kind of entry into the world and into other’s lives that is a precious grace….”

He concludes the book with speaking of our need to recover a sense of wonder about our ordinary lives, which in Chesterton’s words involves learning “to look at things familiar until they look unfamiliar again.” It is chastity that protects the wonder of the holy ground that is another human being, the wonder of the holy ground that is us, and the wonder when two who have prepared in the patience of chastity and in the integrity of their vows for the divine fire of sexual intimacy.

This is a book that takes the “cringe” out of chastity. It’s not the mawkishness of chastity rings, of rules especially imposed on women in purity culture. Chastity is not about the evilness or dirtiness of sex but about its powerful goodness and about the holiness of every person in God’s image and ensuring that the powerful goodness never violates the holiness of us or others. This is good instruction not only for those awakening to their sexuality but for us at all ages, and not only for our sexuality but for all the ways we engage with people who are “holy ground.”

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review.

Review: Heavy Burdens

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Heavy Burdens: Seven Ways LGBTQ Christians Experience Harm in the Church, Bridget Eileen Rivera. Grand Rapids: Brazos Press, 2021.

Summary: Rather than an argument about what the Bible says about LGBTQ persons, a discussion of the ways LGBTQ Christians, regardless of their beliefs, have suffered under heavy, and the author would argue, needless burdens.

This is not one more book arguing about what the Bible says about LGBTQ issues. Bridget Eileen Rivera, a celibate, lesbian Christian committed to the church’s traditional teaching about sexuality and marriage (often labeled Side B in this discussion) offers a much needed account of how the church often wounds young men and women struggling both with their faith and sexuality, often driving them away from faith, and sometimes to the point of suicide. One of the sobering truths this book talks about is that, unlike any other demographic group, religious involvement of LGBTQ persons actually increases their likelihood to commit suicide. Equally troubling, these burdens have nothing to do with what we believe the Bible says about sexuality.

The first of these is the double standard around celibacy. On the one hand, much of the church glorifies sex within marriage and has little to say about celibacy–except for gay persons–even though the Bible commends both celibacy and marriage.

The second is that no matter what an LGBTQ person does (or doesn’t) do, they are often treated as pathological sinners. Actually, in doing so, the church follows Freud and not scripture, which only speaks about acts rather than orientation. Freud helped construct the idea of “homosexual identity.” Many in the church brand members who simply admit attractions or struggles with gender identification as “perverted,” sometimes banning them from working with children (even though they usually pose no danger to children) or expelling them from families or congregations. We define them as sinners beyond grace.

Third, the church has often branded all LGBTQ people as folk devils and moral enemies when our real enemies are not flesh and blood and we are called always to embody the grace and truth of the gospel. Even more troubling is that many of those so branded and consigned to hell are still teenagers and may not have even acted upon their inclinations. Remember trying to figure out your sexuality in middle and high school? And sometimes we made poor decisions. What if on top of this we were branded enemies of the church and consigned to hell?

Fourth, Rivera shares the complexities in the texts applied to LGBTQ persons that are often described as clear, even while passages referring to adultery, divorce, and the church’s case for or against contraception are often described as complicated. She points to figures like John Piper, who speak of allowing others grace, even though he would disagree with them on matters like divorce. But no grace for LGBTQ persons.

Rather than go into the other burdens in detail, I will note that Rivera discusses issues of how masculinity and femininity are defined, sometimes expressed toward gay men as bullying to get them to “man up,” and the gender essentialism that galvanizes opposition to transexuality, which she argues is rooted in Aristotelianism rather than scripture. Finally, she pleads for as much grace for LGBTQ Christians as is extended to cisgendered straight Christians in all their sexual sins.

I do wonder if there is a tendency toward making the Side A/Side B discussion merely adiaphora–a matter of personal conviction over which Christians disagree and extend grace toward each other. But this does not take away from her powerful witness to the destructive burdens laid upon LGBTQ persons that are not a necessary corollary of the church’s historic beliefs around sexuality and contrary to the gospel.

Rivera and I would agree on our understanding of scripture’s teaching about sexuality, though I suspect her arrival at her convictions was probably harder won than mine. Furthermore, she gives language to my dis-ease about what has seemed an obsession of the church’s focus on the sins of LGBTQ persons, a minority, while blithely ignoring or covering up sexual abuse, pre- and extra-marital sex among Christians, pornography addiction and domestic violence in marriages. She also raises important questions about the extra-biblical material we have imported into Christianity concerning orientation and gender roles. She reminds us that there is much more to the identity and personhood and sexuality of all of us than sex. She touches on something I’ve wondered–what would happen if we began to ask how LGBTQ people may be gifts rather than problems for the church? She leaves me hoping for the day LGBTQ people will not feel they need to leave the church to preserve and find their lives.

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary review copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.